Pitter Patter of Little Feet (aka What's Next?)

And just as I come to my blog to talk about our recent decision, I saw e*'s comment about the pitter patter of little feet. Is it coincidence, or is it just my biological clock ticking? When I was younger, I decided that if I were to ever have kids, I would have them before 30. Can't remember exactly why (think it's related to possible medical complications/IQ etc), but the number 30 stuck. It's a magical barrier that cannot be breached. At that time, I also decided in a childish whim that I want to be married by 28, so that arbitrary criteria I have fulfilled.

As of Apr 15th, we were both free to resign from the company. I've been hatching some grand plans recently. Firstly, we thought about the "What's next?" (or rather I thought and Mr. CEO concurred....let me "complain" about this another time).

Version 1
We decided that furthur studies would be good. It would be a springboard to go back and work in the USA. Yes, yes financial crisis, global recession and all (all now includes swine flu), I missed what little I saw of the work culture in the US. So we though, "ok, maybe he can go for an MBA". Since we are not likely to get any financing, this is going to be expensive, we probably shouldn't both be in school at the same time. I can either bum around, finish off CFA and maybe get a job nearby. So this was version 1 of the Long Term Plan (LTP)

Version 2
Then I went for a course called Microskills by this guy called Tim Russell. It was decently interesting but the part I like most was classifying personalities by our value system. It was not revolutionary but it made sense. In fact, that probably made it easier to accept since it's not some fancy schmancy theory that doesn't appeal to our common sensibilities. I was a high green type (logical, mathematical, bean-counter) and low in blue (social, helping others) and red (aggression, success-oriented). Doesn't mean I can't be sociable or don't want to succeed, but they are just less important to me than doing things "right". Anyway he's also a green type (a lil bit less so) and definitely not ambitious. More like stubborn cattle that needs a good prod. And apparently greenies like to be in jobs like researching, accounting etc. So that where LTP v2 came about. So we decided to switch from MBA to PHD....(And I already went ahead and got a GMAT book. Sometimes it sucks to be organized and efficient)

Version 2.1
Then I read about this guy who had not so great grades but got into Stanford for a PHD program in Psychology and one of the pointers he gave was to go volunteer to be a research assistant. FOC if necessary. So I thought rather than waste time in a job he didn't love, why not take the opportunity to try and work in a lab. It'll be good experience to have for his application but actually more importantly, I wanted him to see if he will enjoy researching and if he didn't like it, we can work on plan B, whatever that might be. So he's been in contact with some professors and should be meeting them soon to see if an internship is possible.

Version 2b
So that's mostly his part of the plan. Then it struck me that from now till next year admissions, there would still be more than 12 months. So if we have a kid now, he/she will be 3-6 mths when we need to migrate. I was having some misgivings about having a baby overseas with no friends and family supporting me even though I would really love to let my kid be American (would definitely help them with getting financial aid and admissions). Having a first child now would help me get accustomed to motherhood while fulfilling my pre-30 childbirth checklist. Maybe then, if I still have the guts to have a 2nd child, I will be able to handle it on my own overseas. But I can predict that a grandson will be a great lure for both our parents to visit frequently... Especially since it will be a first for both of them. Or maybe my mum will be sad that she won't be able to see it for long periods of time. Don't think it will be easy for her to travel to US by herself. Ok, let's leave these practicalities aside. Most importantly, we've decided to give it a shot (hur hur no pun intended). If we happen to be somehow barren/infertile/have lazy sperm, then too bad. We are both somewhat indifferent to the prospect of having a child. Both lifestyles have their unique attraction for us. So we'll see how it goes.
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I'm Afraid of Loving Myself

I'd like to think that childhood scars fade with time but as it stands, the gleaming, hairless, gnarled lump of flesh under my knew where I had to be stitched up still looks as tender as it had 10 years ago. What more the emotional scars I received from those I thought were my friends.

I was telling him yesterday that I wish we would have boys instead of girls. Because girls can be so much more cruel than boys can be. Boys who dislike you will be in your face about it. These are missiles you can see and fight; girls will continue pretending to be your friend but speak venom into the ears of those around you and then when they can hide in the face of multitudes, they descend like packs of hyenas and tear you up. So it happenned once when I was in primary school and I could brush it off and just move on. And then it happenned again a few years later with a whole new set of girls. There is the sinking feeling that maybe it's me, I am someone who cannot be loved.

I did what I could to survive. I distanced myself from people. When you look at them at a lofty height, everyone look like ants, bustling but insignificant. But I think I've made a habit of it that I don't know how to open up to people. Maybe deep down, I'm afraid that they will see this darkness in me when they really know me and they will shun me. Logically, I don't think it's true but it's hard to to stop myself from thinking the worst. If I expect the worst possible, surely I will not be disappointed anymore.

A while back, I thought I was over it. That I am beyond these pain caused by the whims of probably jealous youth. I think I only succeeded in running away and pretending to be ok. I have to do it now, look it in the eye and conquer this fear that I am someone who cannot be loved. Even as he loves me, I don't think I fully believe that he does. After all these years, I still think that maybe he will see this pustulent creature that others before him have seen and then he will be gone. What I know as truth is only truth for me alone. If everyone else agrees on the same lies, that will become the new reality and I will be the monster. I don't think I can ever be rid of this fear of being hurt but I think it's time to move on even if it's just another small baby step.


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Excel Queen

I'm starting to be known at work as the Excel Queen. People would come to me to get help with pivot tables, esoteric functions like vlookup and even programming macros. So much so that I'm starting to imagine that I can start an excel consultancy.

It's quite amazing how many people use excel simply as a table to put data in. They still manually key in formulas/cut and paste even for things that can be automated. If only they can discover the small wonders of excel, they would work so much faster. Honestly, this company could do with the productivity boost.
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