I'm Afraid of Loving Myself

I'd like to think that childhood scars fade with time but as it stands, the gleaming, hairless, gnarled lump of flesh under my knew where I had to be stitched up still looks as tender as it had 10 years ago. What more the emotional scars I received from those I thought were my friends.

I was telling him yesterday that I wish we would have boys instead of girls. Because girls can be so much more cruel than boys can be. Boys who dislike you will be in your face about it. These are missiles you can see and fight; girls will continue pretending to be your friend but speak venom into the ears of those around you and then when they can hide in the face of multitudes, they descend like packs of hyenas and tear you up. So it happenned once when I was in primary school and I could brush it off and just move on. And then it happenned again a few years later with a whole new set of girls. There is the sinking feeling that maybe it's me, I am someone who cannot be loved.

I did what I could to survive. I distanced myself from people. When you look at them at a lofty height, everyone look like ants, bustling but insignificant. But I think I've made a habit of it that I don't know how to open up to people. Maybe deep down, I'm afraid that they will see this darkness in me when they really know me and they will shun me. Logically, I don't think it's true but it's hard to to stop myself from thinking the worst. If I expect the worst possible, surely I will not be disappointed anymore.

A while back, I thought I was over it. That I am beyond these pain caused by the whims of probably jealous youth. I think I only succeeded in running away and pretending to be ok. I have to do it now, look it in the eye and conquer this fear that I am someone who cannot be loved. Even as he loves me, I don't think I fully believe that he does. After all these years, I still think that maybe he will see this pustulent creature that others before him have seen and then he will be gone. What I know as truth is only truth for me alone. If everyone else agrees on the same lies, that will become the new reality and I will be the monster. I don't think I can ever be rid of this fear of being hurt but I think it's time to move on even if it's just another small baby step.


__________________________________________________________