The Breaking Free Generation

Like it or not, we are the generation that will bring change. There was a speech recently by a bigshot in the civil service to the new generation of scholars. Disregarding the faulty logic they employing in pushing their point, for example

"16 of 20 Permanent Secretaries are scholars. It shows that our system is good enough to spot potential leaders from among our scholars but flexible enough to allow for those with talent to be developed and rise to the top even if they did not start out as scholars"

(Yes, thou can do no wrong), there was one part where he talked about how scholars nowadsys are picky about their postings and desire some clear explanation about how unpopular postings fit into their career development. His view is that "wherever the Public Service decided the send them was the best way to develop themselves... [otherwise] many would never get out of their comfort zone and so would not grow". Now I see where my company learn their old fashioned ways from. They still subscribe to the father-knows-best mentality. Those are artifacts from the days when people expect a life-long career in the company they joined. Perhaps such a mentality can still be protected in the public sector, but in commercial firms, companies have had to shift their gears and their priority lies in serving only the god of capitalism - profit, not in protecting their staff. To withdraw their commitment and then expect such blind faith in return from their employees is clearly untenable.

Even when I pushed J leave the company, we knew we could have done well if we stayed. I have no doubt that he would eventually become achieve one of the senior management positions. It would be a fairly meaningless though predictable existence. He'll go to work everyday, get paid decently well, be busy with some mundane and seemingly important issue, get frustrated over the shittiness and often meaningless work that needs to be done to satisfy some whim and fancy of the overlord(s)-- all in all a bearable and stable life. It would be a life both our parents would probably be happy about.

What E* talked about recently resonated strongly with what we felt. We are the generation that would give up what our parents would heartily approve and accept. We know we can be successful in a job that we did not love, but it just feels wrong and so we struggle against those bonds and take risks our parents would not take, in the hopes that we can find something that will bring us not only sufficient monetary reward, but also the mental satisfaction that we crave.

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Approaching the Third Trimester

I'm now in my 25th week and soon crossing over to the third trimester. This is indeed the honeymoon period of the whole pregnancy. No morning sickness and not too much excessive weight and the pains that comes with it. I have been having some leg cramps in the middle of the night and slight back aches but they are still tolerable at this point. In fact, I feel just like my normal self except with a distended belly.

I think I'm developing pathophobia (fear of disease). Ever since the H1N1 virus went rampant, I've been avoiding enclosed crowded places and I've been trying to stay away from people who obviously have the flu. The problem is that most people in Singapore are quite inconsiderate when it comes to containing diseases. I've had a few colleagues who are sick and been told by the doctor to go home but insist on staying in the office because they are just oh-so indispensable that if they don't get something done today, the company is going to collapse. In fact, they would still calmly eat lunch at the same table with me, bravely suffering their sniffling.

This morning, on the bus to work, I sat next to an equally dutiful employee who was holding a partially used tissue which she used to dab at her nose every 5 minutes, while wheezing like darth vadar through out the whole 30 minute journey. If I could find myself a sterilizing room, I would walk in right this instant. The amazing thing is that through all the flu-ridden people that I've encountered so far, I've managed to stay virus free.

Granted I've been actually eating more healthily than before -- more fruits, more water, less junk food. It wasn't a conscious decision, it's just that most food don't taste as great anymore. What's the point of eating a sinful piece of fried chicken if you are not enjoying it? Well's let's hope for an uneventful third trimester as well.
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Our (Still) Genderless Baby

Now that I'm getting into the 5th month, my tummy is starting to really show. I didn't seem to have put on much weight in the past month though. So far, my limbs and face still look like normal, just that my belly and waistline has expanded.

So far, I've only bought a few maternity work outfits - 3 dresses, 2 shirts and 3 tops in a bigger size and a Bellaband. The good thing about the band (it's like a tube top) is I can still wear some of my pre-pregnancy pants. Esp those I bought right after I came back from the US when I still have all that extra weight (The next time we live in the US or overseas, we're definitely gonna cut our portions! I still remember when I just came back, one plate of chicken rice looked so dismal that I could definitely have eaten two of them) I think 80% of my old clothes still fit, so we'll see if I can last on such a limited wardrobe. Somehow, I'm reluctant to invest time and energy to look for/buy clothes I'll be wearing for just another 4 months.

Oh, baby has been increasingly active recently, kicking a little since last week. The Mr has managed to catch one of the kicks as well when I put his hand on my tummy. But repeating that feat was difficult since baby isn't very cooperative at the moment. This week, I should be able to find out the gender. Just to note, I will not dress baby in any article of pink. In fact, I should just go buy blue baby clothes since it makes no difference what gender he/she will be. Will update again end of the week.

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Dumb people that Annoy me

Sometimes you wonder if dumb people exist in this world just to make you feel smart. After all, if everyone was smart, I'd probably think I'm quite mediocre. I'm not defining smart by IQ per se but more on the ability to act based on common sense (and hopefully also some common courtesy).

There's this idiot colleague, I'll call him Edo, who has been doing many things that make me want to kick him in the nuts. One time, we were at a colleague's wedding dinner and he met C who used to work in my ex-dept. He asked C if he misses my ex-dept which is notorious for the stress and long hours. So C told him, why didn't he ask me the same question since I was there even longer. And Mr Edo said 'Well, the guys are the ones who go home later. The girls usually go home earlier anyway.' It was such an insult to all the slogging I did and is now being continued by another female friend. I told him right off the bat that it is a very sexist comment. He blatantly ignored me and continued chatting happily about other things.

Another time, another bunch of colleagues were discussing a system related problem to brainstorm on some possible solutions to present to boss. (They discussed near my cubicle so I saw). Mr Edo was not even paying attention or participating in the discussion. In fact, he took over someone else's desktop and started typing away in it. Shortly after, before their discussion even ended, he simply stood up and went back to his seat, leaving the rest puzzled. He then proceeded to send an email to the bosses, cc-ing the other colleagues, with *his* suggestions on how to solve the problem. How nasty is that... talk about lack of teamwork.

Then today, he irritated me again because he is down with the flu. The doctor gave him an MC and he refused to take it. So there he was sniffling with the flu, in this H1N1 pandemic, eating across me in the same table for lunch. He claimed that he did not have fever so it was okay. At that point, I should have told him to stop being such a self-centered bastard. It is precisely people like him that spreads the disease to the unknowing. Many adults who contract H1N1 in fact do not develop a fever. Thanks for your attempt to infect this pregnant lady who is in fact in the high risk group. On hindsight, I should have just stood up and walk away in disgust. Somehow I can't bring myself to do something rude like that. But really, I should. Just to send the message across. I think I'm too silly that way =[

There are more stories about this idiotic colleague. Like how he started telling us some story about a cabin crew try to pick him up on a flight. *roll eyes* I'm pretty sure he's making these stories up to garner attention. But I'm getting tired of him. I should really ignore him when he talks to me.

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Apprehension to Change

It's funny how one can crave change yet feel so apprehensive about it. We were afraid of stagnating in place, our of sheer inertia, but now that the changes are coming in waves, I grow worried. Maybe the fearfulness is a conditioned survival response - the body craves routine and predictability. Even as our brain rationally knows that it will decay without new challenges.

In actuality, we work for a company where we can be reasonably "successful" if only we could convince ourselves to stay. I say successful in quotation because it's really success in the eyes of the common people i.e get promoted with a dependable and decent salary etc. Granted, we would be bored out of our skulls and the bureaucracy would be annoying to bear, but nontheless we would do okay.

But in my mind, that would be a meaningless existence. Basically, we have quite low levels of monetary/material requirements - we don't care about branded stuff, big houses, fancy restaurants, big cars etc. So earning oodles of moolah isn't top on our priority list. All I want from life right now is to find something I'll like doing, something that has more meaning than pushing paper and tweaking digits to suit someone's whims and fancies.

So here we are then, at the juncture of the quarterly life crisis... well not really crisis. Just more like determined to get out of that scary routine life we might have been sucked into. So it's something we really want to do but I guess I can't help but feel a little scared (maybe a little excited?). Coz in the end, change could go either way.
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