It's a new year, and my introspection as it seems come at an appropriate time. I've not been posting on the blog as much as I would like to. I would walk on the street and thought of something I wanted to record and share with my dear friends who may read this, but when I get home to a terminal, the same inspiration eludes me like running water slithering through my fingers.
I'll start first by writing about the little baby boy, Oreo. He was a gift from my sister in law in an attempt to provide companionship to my parents-in-law. But in my mind, it was a mistake. They like him but they do not love him. Me, I love dogs. I've wanted one for my own all my life but with the amount of things going on, I wasn't ready to take on the full responsibility for him. I guess you could say I wasn't willing to make sacrifices. In the first two months, I was. But when I realized that it was a one-man-show I got a little disenchanted. I bathed him, I brought him for daily walks, I went to get his food, I learned to trained him, I brushed his hair, clipped his nails. It was a lot of work. And I was proud of him initially.
But then I realized that my training was jeopardized unknowing by his parents. They would teach him things I was trying to avoid -- jumping on people, giving him random treats without any form of training whatsoever, petting him when I abandoned him for bring naughty... things like that. At one point, I just gave up. It was too difficult. Little Oreo was getting difficult to handle. He would willfully ignore my commands. He jumps on me when I sit down to play with him. He chews on my clothing, with me in it. He still bites when he's unhappy and now that he is growing, they are no longer play bites. Dealing with him became a chore. I cannot cope with a recalcitrant child that I could not teach.
I was angry that they did not love him and that they were not ready for him but they chose to bring him home anyway. I wasn't ready for him either. Or at least I wasn't ready to be his sole custodian. I had a lot asking for my time. My exercise regime fell apart after Oreo arrived; my study plans were disrupted though I'm now more or less on track. I just wasn't ready for another being that would demand a lot of my time. I wasn't able to devote myself to this demanding, little bundle of cuteness. Perhaps it is a reflection of my lack of readiness for a child. I am frustrated in part because I do not understand his needs. He is such a sweet, loving puppy but he has learnt to express himself in the wrong way. I couldn't make myself unconditionally love him and I'm sometimes stricken with guilt that I do not care about him more.
I worry that as I've withdrawn my love from him, I will do the same to my own child. I reassure myself that little children at least understands the human language and at least a communication and understanding can be achieved. But is it not a sign of bad communication if I'm reliant on only words to reach that end? Will I really be a good mother? I've told myself before that if I couldn't be good at being a mother, I would rather not have kids. And now I'm honestly not sure. When we got married, I told Johnny that I knew I wasn't ready to have children in the next two years. We've since celebrated our first anniversary but I'm not sure if we are getting closer to that end. When I do, I'll be sure to read all the self-help books during my confinement period. >.<
__________________________________________________________
1 comment:
love Oreo! he looks so cuuute!! :)
Post a Comment