The Breaking Free Generation

Like it or not, we are the generation that will bring change. There was a speech recently by a bigshot in the civil service to the new generation of scholars. Disregarding the faulty logic they employing in pushing their point, for example

"16 of 20 Permanent Secretaries are scholars. It shows that our system is good enough to spot potential leaders from among our scholars but flexible enough to allow for those with talent to be developed and rise to the top even if they did not start out as scholars"

(Yes, thou can do no wrong), there was one part where he talked about how scholars nowadsys are picky about their postings and desire some clear explanation about how unpopular postings fit into their career development. His view is that "wherever the Public Service decided the send them was the best way to develop themselves... [otherwise] many would never get out of their comfort zone and so would not grow". Now I see where my company learn their old fashioned ways from. They still subscribe to the father-knows-best mentality. Those are artifacts from the days when people expect a life-long career in the company they joined. Perhaps such a mentality can still be protected in the public sector, but in commercial firms, companies have had to shift their gears and their priority lies in serving only the god of capitalism - profit, not in protecting their staff. To withdraw their commitment and then expect such blind faith in return from their employees is clearly untenable.

Even when I pushed J leave the company, we knew we could have done well if we stayed. I have no doubt that he would eventually become achieve one of the senior management positions. It would be a fairly meaningless though predictable existence. He'll go to work everyday, get paid decently well, be busy with some mundane and seemingly important issue, get frustrated over the shittiness and often meaningless work that needs to be done to satisfy some whim and fancy of the overlord(s)-- all in all a bearable and stable life. It would be a life both our parents would probably be happy about.

What E* talked about recently resonated strongly with what we felt. We are the generation that would give up what our parents would heartily approve and accept. We know we can be successful in a job that we did not love, but it just feels wrong and so we struggle against those bonds and take risks our parents would not take, in the hopes that we can find something that will bring us not only sufficient monetary reward, but also the mental satisfaction that we crave.

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Approaching the Third Trimester

I'm now in my 25th week and soon crossing over to the third trimester. This is indeed the honeymoon period of the whole pregnancy. No morning sickness and not too much excessive weight and the pains that comes with it. I have been having some leg cramps in the middle of the night and slight back aches but they are still tolerable at this point. In fact, I feel just like my normal self except with a distended belly.

I think I'm developing pathophobia (fear of disease). Ever since the H1N1 virus went rampant, I've been avoiding enclosed crowded places and I've been trying to stay away from people who obviously have the flu. The problem is that most people in Singapore are quite inconsiderate when it comes to containing diseases. I've had a few colleagues who are sick and been told by the doctor to go home but insist on staying in the office because they are just oh-so indispensable that if they don't get something done today, the company is going to collapse. In fact, they would still calmly eat lunch at the same table with me, bravely suffering their sniffling.

This morning, on the bus to work, I sat next to an equally dutiful employee who was holding a partially used tissue which she used to dab at her nose every 5 minutes, while wheezing like darth vadar through out the whole 30 minute journey. If I could find myself a sterilizing room, I would walk in right this instant. The amazing thing is that through all the flu-ridden people that I've encountered so far, I've managed to stay virus free.

Granted I've been actually eating more healthily than before -- more fruits, more water, less junk food. It wasn't a conscious decision, it's just that most food don't taste as great anymore. What's the point of eating a sinful piece of fried chicken if you are not enjoying it? Well's let's hope for an uneventful third trimester as well.
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Our (Still) Genderless Baby

Now that I'm getting into the 5th month, my tummy is starting to really show. I didn't seem to have put on much weight in the past month though. So far, my limbs and face still look like normal, just that my belly and waistline has expanded.

So far, I've only bought a few maternity work outfits - 3 dresses, 2 shirts and 3 tops in a bigger size and a Bellaband. The good thing about the band (it's like a tube top) is I can still wear some of my pre-pregnancy pants. Esp those I bought right after I came back from the US when I still have all that extra weight (The next time we live in the US or overseas, we're definitely gonna cut our portions! I still remember when I just came back, one plate of chicken rice looked so dismal that I could definitely have eaten two of them) I think 80% of my old clothes still fit, so we'll see if I can last on such a limited wardrobe. Somehow, I'm reluctant to invest time and energy to look for/buy clothes I'll be wearing for just another 4 months.

Oh, baby has been increasingly active recently, kicking a little since last week. The Mr has managed to catch one of the kicks as well when I put his hand on my tummy. But repeating that feat was difficult since baby isn't very cooperative at the moment. This week, I should be able to find out the gender. Just to note, I will not dress baby in any article of pink. In fact, I should just go buy blue baby clothes since it makes no difference what gender he/she will be. Will update again end of the week.

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Dumb people that Annoy me

Sometimes you wonder if dumb people exist in this world just to make you feel smart. After all, if everyone was smart, I'd probably think I'm quite mediocre. I'm not defining smart by IQ per se but more on the ability to act based on common sense (and hopefully also some common courtesy).

There's this idiot colleague, I'll call him Edo, who has been doing many things that make me want to kick him in the nuts. One time, we were at a colleague's wedding dinner and he met C who used to work in my ex-dept. He asked C if he misses my ex-dept which is notorious for the stress and long hours. So C told him, why didn't he ask me the same question since I was there even longer. And Mr Edo said 'Well, the guys are the ones who go home later. The girls usually go home earlier anyway.' It was such an insult to all the slogging I did and is now being continued by another female friend. I told him right off the bat that it is a very sexist comment. He blatantly ignored me and continued chatting happily about other things.

Another time, another bunch of colleagues were discussing a system related problem to brainstorm on some possible solutions to present to boss. (They discussed near my cubicle so I saw). Mr Edo was not even paying attention or participating in the discussion. In fact, he took over someone else's desktop and started typing away in it. Shortly after, before their discussion even ended, he simply stood up and went back to his seat, leaving the rest puzzled. He then proceeded to send an email to the bosses, cc-ing the other colleagues, with *his* suggestions on how to solve the problem. How nasty is that... talk about lack of teamwork.

Then today, he irritated me again because he is down with the flu. The doctor gave him an MC and he refused to take it. So there he was sniffling with the flu, in this H1N1 pandemic, eating across me in the same table for lunch. He claimed that he did not have fever so it was okay. At that point, I should have told him to stop being such a self-centered bastard. It is precisely people like him that spreads the disease to the unknowing. Many adults who contract H1N1 in fact do not develop a fever. Thanks for your attempt to infect this pregnant lady who is in fact in the high risk group. On hindsight, I should have just stood up and walk away in disgust. Somehow I can't bring myself to do something rude like that. But really, I should. Just to send the message across. I think I'm too silly that way =[

There are more stories about this idiotic colleague. Like how he started telling us some story about a cabin crew try to pick him up on a flight. *roll eyes* I'm pretty sure he's making these stories up to garner attention. But I'm getting tired of him. I should really ignore him when he talks to me.

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Apprehension to Change

It's funny how one can crave change yet feel so apprehensive about it. We were afraid of stagnating in place, our of sheer inertia, but now that the changes are coming in waves, I grow worried. Maybe the fearfulness is a conditioned survival response - the body craves routine and predictability. Even as our brain rationally knows that it will decay without new challenges.

In actuality, we work for a company where we can be reasonably "successful" if only we could convince ourselves to stay. I say successful in quotation because it's really success in the eyes of the common people i.e get promoted with a dependable and decent salary etc. Granted, we would be bored out of our skulls and the bureaucracy would be annoying to bear, but nontheless we would do okay.

But in my mind, that would be a meaningless existence. Basically, we have quite low levels of monetary/material requirements - we don't care about branded stuff, big houses, fancy restaurants, big cars etc. So earning oodles of moolah isn't top on our priority list. All I want from life right now is to find something I'll like doing, something that has more meaning than pushing paper and tweaking digits to suit someone's whims and fancies.

So here we are then, at the juncture of the quarterly life crisis... well not really crisis. Just more like determined to get out of that scary routine life we might have been sucked into. So it's something we really want to do but I guess I can't help but feel a little scared (maybe a little excited?). Coz in the end, change could go either way.
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Pitter Patter of Little Feet (aka What's Next?)

And just as I come to my blog to talk about our recent decision, I saw e*'s comment about the pitter patter of little feet. Is it coincidence, or is it just my biological clock ticking? When I was younger, I decided that if I were to ever have kids, I would have them before 30. Can't remember exactly why (think it's related to possible medical complications/IQ etc), but the number 30 stuck. It's a magical barrier that cannot be breached. At that time, I also decided in a childish whim that I want to be married by 28, so that arbitrary criteria I have fulfilled.

As of Apr 15th, we were both free to resign from the company. I've been hatching some grand plans recently. Firstly, we thought about the "What's next?" (or rather I thought and Mr. CEO concurred....let me "complain" about this another time).

Version 1
We decided that furthur studies would be good. It would be a springboard to go back and work in the USA. Yes, yes financial crisis, global recession and all (all now includes swine flu), I missed what little I saw of the work culture in the US. So we though, "ok, maybe he can go for an MBA". Since we are not likely to get any financing, this is going to be expensive, we probably shouldn't both be in school at the same time. I can either bum around, finish off CFA and maybe get a job nearby. So this was version 1 of the Long Term Plan (LTP)

Version 2
Then I went for a course called Microskills by this guy called Tim Russell. It was decently interesting but the part I like most was classifying personalities by our value system. It was not revolutionary but it made sense. In fact, that probably made it easier to accept since it's not some fancy schmancy theory that doesn't appeal to our common sensibilities. I was a high green type (logical, mathematical, bean-counter) and low in blue (social, helping others) and red (aggression, success-oriented). Doesn't mean I can't be sociable or don't want to succeed, but they are just less important to me than doing things "right". Anyway he's also a green type (a lil bit less so) and definitely not ambitious. More like stubborn cattle that needs a good prod. And apparently greenies like to be in jobs like researching, accounting etc. So that where LTP v2 came about. So we decided to switch from MBA to PHD....(And I already went ahead and got a GMAT book. Sometimes it sucks to be organized and efficient)

Version 2.1
Then I read about this guy who had not so great grades but got into Stanford for a PHD program in Psychology and one of the pointers he gave was to go volunteer to be a research assistant. FOC if necessary. So I thought rather than waste time in a job he didn't love, why not take the opportunity to try and work in a lab. It'll be good experience to have for his application but actually more importantly, I wanted him to see if he will enjoy researching and if he didn't like it, we can work on plan B, whatever that might be. So he's been in contact with some professors and should be meeting them soon to see if an internship is possible.

Version 2b
So that's mostly his part of the plan. Then it struck me that from now till next year admissions, there would still be more than 12 months. So if we have a kid now, he/she will be 3-6 mths when we need to migrate. I was having some misgivings about having a baby overseas with no friends and family supporting me even though I would really love to let my kid be American (would definitely help them with getting financial aid and admissions). Having a first child now would help me get accustomed to motherhood while fulfilling my pre-30 childbirth checklist. Maybe then, if I still have the guts to have a 2nd child, I will be able to handle it on my own overseas. But I can predict that a grandson will be a great lure for both our parents to visit frequently... Especially since it will be a first for both of them. Or maybe my mum will be sad that she won't be able to see it for long periods of time. Don't think it will be easy for her to travel to US by herself. Ok, let's leave these practicalities aside. Most importantly, we've decided to give it a shot (hur hur no pun intended). If we happen to be somehow barren/infertile/have lazy sperm, then too bad. We are both somewhat indifferent to the prospect of having a child. Both lifestyles have their unique attraction for us. So we'll see how it goes.
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I'm Afraid of Loving Myself

I'd like to think that childhood scars fade with time but as it stands, the gleaming, hairless, gnarled lump of flesh under my knew where I had to be stitched up still looks as tender as it had 10 years ago. What more the emotional scars I received from those I thought were my friends.

I was telling him yesterday that I wish we would have boys instead of girls. Because girls can be so much more cruel than boys can be. Boys who dislike you will be in your face about it. These are missiles you can see and fight; girls will continue pretending to be your friend but speak venom into the ears of those around you and then when they can hide in the face of multitudes, they descend like packs of hyenas and tear you up. So it happenned once when I was in primary school and I could brush it off and just move on. And then it happenned again a few years later with a whole new set of girls. There is the sinking feeling that maybe it's me, I am someone who cannot be loved.

I did what I could to survive. I distanced myself from people. When you look at them at a lofty height, everyone look like ants, bustling but insignificant. But I think I've made a habit of it that I don't know how to open up to people. Maybe deep down, I'm afraid that they will see this darkness in me when they really know me and they will shun me. Logically, I don't think it's true but it's hard to to stop myself from thinking the worst. If I expect the worst possible, surely I will not be disappointed anymore.

A while back, I thought I was over it. That I am beyond these pain caused by the whims of probably jealous youth. I think I only succeeded in running away and pretending to be ok. I have to do it now, look it in the eye and conquer this fear that I am someone who cannot be loved. Even as he loves me, I don't think I fully believe that he does. After all these years, I still think that maybe he will see this pustulent creature that others before him have seen and then he will be gone. What I know as truth is only truth for me alone. If everyone else agrees on the same lies, that will become the new reality and I will be the monster. I don't think I can ever be rid of this fear of being hurt but I think it's time to move on even if it's just another small baby step.


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Excel Queen

I'm starting to be known at work as the Excel Queen. People would come to me to get help with pivot tables, esoteric functions like vlookup and even programming macros. So much so that I'm starting to imagine that I can start an excel consultancy.

It's quite amazing how many people use excel simply as a table to put data in. They still manually key in formulas/cut and paste even for things that can be automated. If only they can discover the small wonders of excel, they would work so much faster. Honestly, this company could do with the productivity boost.
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I'm an Alien

It's funny how other people try to be different from others yet end up doing exactly the same things whereas try as I may to be the same, I will always be different. I guess you could say I don't really try hard enough. I want to be accepted but I don't want to change. I'm truly happy being the way I am. Except, I wonder, why there are so few who are just like me. I just want people who would take me as I am, who value the same things that I do. I feel like the last survivor of a dying race, pretending to live among people who are not my own but yearning for a place where I don't have live a farce to be accepted. Maybe there are more like me, each closeted by their perception of solitude.

The more people I meet though, the more convinced tbat what I value and the way I think are very different from those of many of my peers. I feel old, like I've entered a 4th dimensional world but everyone else is not and all they think is that I've gone daft. But I'm not and I can't get them to see the way I do. I hate how there are times when I know I am right but truth is just a popularity contest and murmurs of lies amidst the multitudes becomes the new reality. So powerless is the strenght of one.



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Domesticated

I think my motherly instincts must be catching up to me. That or I'm sick of life in the corporate world. If I could have my way, I would hide in a little room as a mad scientist, analyzing data and thinking up wild experiments. Ok, I concede that this isn't the motherly part I was refering to. But recently, I've been thinking of retiring from life chasing some corporate ladder. I realize that I do not have the temperament for it. While I can act assertively and do the necessary for those in a leadership position, I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy being with people.



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Fear in the Air

As with many countries around the world, THE company is looking at major capacity cuts. And the region I'm overseeing is worse than others. And things get worse even as we implement deep scalebacks in capacity and the fear is starting to permeate all levels of staff, cascading from the near panic I'm sensing from the upper management. But deep in my gut, I also think that we may be overreacting but the environment is one where we'd rather err on the side of caution.

I'm going into 4 months at my new role but things have become stale again. While I like the comforting routine of the operational aspect (which means I get home on time), I have become bored from how pointless it can be. Actually I'm worried about sinking into depression myself (pun intended). It may be a combination of bad sleep, annoying work and him not being here for me to vent to. So I'm like this tired, grumpy, disilluioned person today. Let's hope for a better tomorrow.

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