Depressed

I was (or maybe still am) depressive. Thankfully not manic (yet). The stress and disappointment at work drove me to it though perhaps I had the tendency to view things in the worst possible light in the first place. I'm the kind of person who'd imagine that I might get knocked down by a car as I cross a street. If Johnny comes home late without telling me, I'd imagine that maybe there was an accident somewhere and he needs help. I'm horribly morbid and it certainly makes me unhappy when I think about things that way, but deep down I've thought that if I imagine the worse, I couldn't get more disappointed. Of course what this means is that I experience the mental agony and suffering even before the actual event and most of the time needlessly.

I'm just not quite the easygoing happy person I was when I was younger. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I remember when A level results were out, I was overjoyed to find that I aced the exam, but the happiness didn't last very long when I witness the disappointment of e*. I felt guilty for being happy. I was even angrier at the perfectionists who would lament loudly about the A- they got for GP and how it would mar their perfect score. How insensitive they were, I thought. I remember the star pupil in every teacher's eye and how dejected she was that she didn't get the perfection she expected and people around her saying "She is so brave/good that she is still going out for celebration lunch with us". It's certainly not the end of the world for her. I was upset for days about the way the world works, that insensitive cads would rise in power because they know how to please those around them. I'm not like them. I want people to take me for who I am, no more, no less. If no one recognizes the goodness in me, does it mean it doesn't exist? But worse still would be to sell myself out for a false notion of success. And so I continue to search for those who would embrace both the good and the bad that comes with me.

But I digress. We were talking about depression. A couple of months back, I suffered from (mild?) depression. The lack of job progression made me morose. I was disappointed. This wasn't what was promised. And I saw many of my peers move on to gain exposure in other departments while I am still stuck with the mindless number crunching and mind-reading games. It wasn't fair. Looking back, I hated the job and company since month 1. At first I thought it would get better but it doesn't. The fundamental decision making mechanism (i.e the leadership) was wrong for me. So I endured, thinking that there is an out to all this soon. But my ark never came. And so I stood awashed in my own plight, moping about how unfair my employers are to me. The depression became so paralyzing that I was unable to be productive for a period of time. I was under a lot of stress and I really just wanted to run away, disappear.

And then I slowly recognize the symptoms for what they are - I am depressed. And I talked about it to darling, I cried, I cursed, I shook my fists. It was catharthic. Slowly, I was becoming my old self. Happier, cynical and with a chip on my shoulder to boot. There's no point torturing myself with unhappy thoughts. I just totally withdrew from the company. In WoW speak, I'm afking work. Basically, if the company's input to me is too low, I'd just have to adjust my output - go home early, work slowly. I'm certainly not going to put in a lot of effort anymore. And while I'm doing that, count down the 15 months more that I need before I say an unregrettable farewell.


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