Work = :o(

:( :( :( hating work...overworked and bored out of my skull...
I want to find my real calling.
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So it is possible to bored and busy all at the same time. I've been chugging along my job for a while and I'm yearning for a change. Anything but this endless overworked routine.

Recently, I've not been feeling well. It ddin't start just recently but many months back. I started having this extremely uncomfortable bloatedness and gassiness that comes with the usual accompaniments of burps and eructations. Recently it seems to have gotten worse. I've been burping the whole day and about once or twice get that retching feeling from having burped too much. I went to the company doctor yesterday when I had a slight fever as well. She gave me some indigestion and gastric medicine but it doesn't feel like it's relieving me of this suffering.

I was very annoyed when my colleague mentioned a second time that I should see a gynae. Firstly, I told him pointedly that any pregnancy that comes with abdominal pains and a fever would probably be a miscarriage. Later, when my other colleagues suggested that I drink hot chocolate after eliminating tea, coffee, milk etc from the list of 'approved' beverages, he said what I needed was a drip. I was just such an insensitive remark to someone who wasn't feeling well. So when he mentioned the gynae thing AGAIN, i told him that I was going to ignore him for the rest of the day. Fine, I concede that it sounds really childish in the 'I don't want to friend you' flavour but since I couldn't outright scold him, that was about the best I could think of at that time >_<

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Personal Bubble

I remember I read somewhere a long time ago that everyone has their own personal bubble/ space whereby they are uncomfortable to share with those not close to their hearts. I remember it as a force shield around myself whereby if people invades it, my defence systems go up and I try to distance myself.

Blogs somewhat change the landscape a little as we learnt to share our life with potentially millions of strangers all over the world. The idea of personal space is vastly different. While I'm comfortable sharing my innermost thoughts, I find myself reluctant to put down anything that physically uniquely identifies myself. I guess I'm not sure I want acquaintances to know exactly how I think. The whole idea of that is somehow embarassing even though I don't say anything I wouldn't say normally. But I guess in a way I feel constrained by the potential audience to talk about personal life. That's one of the reasons why I was on a blog hiatus for so long


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More Pics Pls!

I think I don't put up pictures often enough. Usually I can get quite narcissistic when the mood strikes and I go camera crazy. And after that, I'll take another two to three weeks before I load them onto my pc. And then it's another few months before I even think about uploading them. Just realized that I used to use this Hello program for blogger. I'll have to look it up again.

From a manufacturing stand point, I have a horrendous lead time in putting up any pictures. I also have qualms about showing personal pictures on the internet. No wonder I'm not popular :)

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Happy

Was reading about this 26 year old lady, M, on one of the local forums who claimed that she is holding a job that pays SGD20k but is so tired it all that she wants to quit her job and go backpacking while living on her investments which is yielding her 10k a month. Regardless of whether it is true (and it could well be), it was pretty sad when she talked about how her husband and parents are too busy working to accompany her on a trip and how meaningless life is. And then she asked "What keeps you going?"

I thought about it and looked at my life. I'm the same age as her and though I earn but a fraction of her income, I'm perfectly happy with every aspect of my life. Not happy as in satisfied and contented per se -- I still want to get out of this job, but my goals are very clear.

• My love for my husband is fulfiling.
• I'm looking for a job that will keep me intellectually occupied.
• I'm planning to take a CFA course just for the heck of learning.
• I want to have time to take care of my kids in the not too near, not too distant future.
• I wouldn't mind being a stay at home mum, making bentos for my loved ones.
• I want to continue writing.
• I want to have more time for my interests: reading, learning random new skills (like make-up haha)

One of the things I've never really wanted though is all the silly money, status, luxury stuff. Not to say that I won't take the money if given to me, but it's not important. I know I will have enough for my simple needs. I know I live a free life with little regrets. And you know, that's really all that matters.

*Darling and I concluded that it's because we are anti-social that we don't care about the usual things other people care about like money etc... I'm not sure I like the term anti-social but I figured he's probably right. We're just not the kind of people who cares about what other people think.
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Days Off

I'm one of those weird people who'd use my annual leave to sit at home and rest. Sometimes I'm just so sick of work I need to recharge at home. The best part about such holidays is the morning when you wake up and you just back slump lazily in glee that it's not a work day. Many people I know have very purposeful holidays, usually for short trips or vacations. The whole inactivity that I pursue will surely affront their need for productivity. Ah the joys of being in a state of bovine contentment.

Of course, the more enjoyable a holiday is, the greater the backlash when you return to work. One day, I'll find a job that I look forward to on a Sunday evening.
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People that Don't Click

There are just some people I can get along with. Esp if it's people who've insulted me before.

I was asked to work with this manager (let's call him Xxx) on a particular assignment. Upon deciding that I was probably too nooby for his taste, Xxx quietly asked my senior in the department to join in the meeting. Thanks for the great vote of no confidence... I was about 6 mths++ into the job at that point and I certainly did not enjoy the snub.

A while back, he also told his department that he doesn't celebrate Valentine's day coz the restaurants/ florists etc jacks up their prices. Or as he puts it "I don't play that game". It was all fine up till there until he added that celebrates it one week before (or is it after). Any sliver of respect for him that I might have accumulated was out of the window.

Let's put it this way. If a guy is just too absent minded or just plainly not the romantic sort (aka my darling), I don't really care if we don't do V-day. (I don't really care either way actually. Never put much stock on V-days. I'm perfectly happy buying and eating post V-day chocolates at half price >_<). But if a guy buys me post/pre v-day on the pretext of saving money, I'd be quite annoyed. If you are too cheap to get me the real thing, please don't give cheap substitutes insulting my ability to differentiate between the two and worse of all try to justify it by decrying the commercialism of the whole event. Thanks bud, you're not fooling anyone... at least not me.
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Esteemed

I have low self-esteem. I've known it for years but it doesn't stop this chronic termite from gnawing at me. I have clarity in what I want to be but without the steel cocoon of confidence, I'm easily shaken. The contrary objections gets bolder in their attacks until it shatters what belief you have.

I have begun to heal with my darling by my side. Together we build from the abandoned remnants of my self-worth. It is a fragile, nascent structure, vulnerable to attacked. Even as it crumbles again and again, we start anew, undaunted, to build sand castles on the turbulent shores of my existence.
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Tim Smit's Business Rules

#1 Say hi to 20 people before you start work
#2 Read 2 books that are outside your sphere of interest
#3 Ditto but for movie
#4 Ditto but for thearter
#5 Make a speech about why you like working here
#6 Making major decisions at night: Work hat off-> more complete rounded perspective.
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The Blues

In my reality, the week's blues starts at Sunday night, right about 7pm when I'm paralyzed by an irrational urge to to cram in something that would make my weekend more wow than a good rest. In 20/20 hindsight, it's clearly a stressful and pretty much pointless endeavor that basically ruins a good sunday night.


• 7pm -8pm: Bemoan the fact that tomorrow is a Monday. Sometimes come with some moping.
  
• 8pm- 10pm: Play World of Warcraft as usual. Woes temporarily forgotten.
  
• 10-pm-11pm: Getting tired. Grumpy that I'm spending yet another night on a game.
  
• 11pm-12pm: More moping and dragging of feet. Occasionally clears up a corner of the mess on the sofa to feel productive.
  
• 12pm - : Go to bed feeling depressed that the weekend is over too soon.
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Blossoming Love

I wonder if the many many stereotypes regarding love and married life are there to set lower expectations and to avoid disappointment. He's had many guy friends ask him if he feels acutely the loss of freedom. And he just goes 'huh?'. We've never had to restrict each in any way or perhaps we are just lucky enough not to have hobbies that the other disapproves of.

The other day at a colleague's bond free party, his friend asked about when we got married and commented that we still have the look of newly weds. But in truth, I can't imagine love diluting as the years go by. In our minds, we were wed a long time ago in Cornell. Every year surprised us with how much love we can have for one another. We never thought it was possible to love as we do now. That such unadulterated emotions can be washed pale with the years is simply sacrilegious.

It's true that we do not argue or tiff much. We talk over things that tick us off -- well admittedly, it's mainly me telling him how to deal with my sensitivities (spell: being demanding >_<). He's either too easy going or I'm just too goooood *whistle*. So cheers to all blossoming love and may they be cling-wrap preserved.
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Inspiration

It's a unique pleasure to hear about a fairy tale exit to the void of these shackles, one which inspires hope and also retrospection in you. For every successful business case, there is an well-thought exit strategy.

My dreams are much smaller and private. I have not the desires to change the world or give back to society. The world moves on without my intervention. What I crave is to communicate my philosophy and maintain my own flavour of old school chivalry. In that respect I am a romantic. Perhaps my answer lies in education but I'm not sure I want to be caught up in the beureaucratic rat race that it is here. It leads my thoughts again to my writing. My writing that gets so cryptic that one has a difficult time getting what I mean. Some things also too complicated for me to describe. As it is, I have abadoned this passion for a long time. I didn't have the confidence to see it through and I don't know if I have it now.

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Dandelion Travels

The days go by with such flippancy that I'm surprised to find that I'm almost two years into the working world. Work has ceased to throw up new and interesting twists and I feel like I'm starting to sink into a well-worn-sofa work routine. I can tell that this is not the life for me but I can certainly imagine undecided young minds to settle into this known ennui.

For most people, the unknown is like a mystical entity from childhood, appearing so magical and beautiful in their youth but somehow reveals itself as a morphing stormy blackhole as they turn older. Perhaps this only trylu describes the older generation. The Gen Y-ers are great nomads of the world. Many people I know have scattered to the corners of the world.

I, too, am looking to start my great dendelion travel. __________________________________________________________

Quarterly Life Crisis

How ironic that after my maiden post promising more to come was followed by a half month of silence, choked by the great furious monster called Work. Between work and my second life on World of Warcraft, I sometimes find there's little time for much else. I do enjoy my time playing with him by my side in both the virtual and real world, but the daily raids (Wow speak for a team of players getting together to kill monsters) and work that I bring home have started to consume the precious nights.

The stress from the extra responsibility at work has started to build up as well. Almost everyday, I would wake up to a horrified dread to get to work, knowing that my overseas education has caged me for another 2.5 years to go. Not that I regret doing the tradeoff -- after all I met my life mate there. It's surreal to think that the whole stream of events in my life brings me to where I am today. If I had not met him, would I have found another person to love and cherish?

I find myself yearning to be free of this bondage though I can only look enviously at those who've moved on to better places. I've been thinking about what I would really like to do but truth be told, I don't know. I want to find something I enjoy doing and pour my heart into it. But I just can't seem to find out what I really want to do. At this point, even being a stay-at-home-mum sounds pretty appealing.

BloWriMo

A few years back, I chanced upon NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I thought -- “Cool, that would be a nice way to get me back on the writing track”. Writing had come so easily in my late teens. I was so hungry to write and did leave quite a legacy of letters and diary entries during that period. Perhaps it’s a reflection of the flurried pace of my then growing ideology.

As university life started, love became the center of attention. Having never had to share a life with someone else, it was a brand new experience. Regretfully, I did not manage to chart the progress in words. Though in retrospect, we shared similar worldviews and there were few philosophical kinks to smooth through. All I could have written about would be silly quibbles, our little adventures in wintry Ithaca and a sense of wonder at how much happiness and contentment a relationship can offer. And as I suddenly remembered, we were sharing the use of one PC for the first year where all the excitement was and the whole idea of twosome living had somewhat precluded me from these private musings.

I’ve been wanting to take part in NaNoWriMo. I’ve managed to put it off with various excuses: -- settling in with work life (and no PC at that time either), no story ideas, etc…
A few years back, there was a Booker award nominee who was a truck driver who wrote during the odd off-time he had at work. (Don’t think he win that one…. Can’t remember if that was the year with Arundhati Roy or the one after) That was quite inspirational for me – though not inspirational enough to remember his name apparently.

So as this is the first day of November, I’ve decided to start small with my own BloWriMo (Blog Writing Month). I figured if there’s nothing fictional that I can think to write about, I might as start with my own life. So lookout for more postings in this space. __________________________________________________________

Wedding Preparations (or the lackthereof) + WoW Politics

So I finally finally gotten down to a bridal boutique and gotten the package. Granted, it was the first shop that we entered but the price was reasonable and there was a gown I tried that I really liked. Or I remember liking. I guess as wedding gowns go it's pretty normal: bustier style, A-line skirting, longish train, ivory. It does have an irresistable sash in the middle and a not so irresistable bow running down the ass... >.< The bow looks like a veritable mickey mouse....it was just freaking huge! Good thing is that can be removed or reduced though I don't know how that will change the effect.

And after a while, I'm starting to wonder if it the gown really looked as good as I thought. Like maybe I just willed it to look good. But at least for that evening, I felt like I was a pretty bride. Next time, when I go down for my actual gown selection, I'll bring a camera and come back with pics :)

The big day is set to be end of November. I'm only having a customary (chinese) wedding followed by wedding lunch at a restaurant (?).... this part really isn't sorted out yet. It might just turn out to be a small family affair. I personally won't want a really formal dinner/reception for friends. Maybe I'll have a more informal buffet thing for colleagues and friends... I'll have to think about that.
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As for my virtual world in World of Warcraft, we've recently left my old guild to join another. The old guild master (GM) had a horrible attitude.... I felt like it was like work except worse... suck up or you won't get preference in raids (WoW speak for groups bigger than 5 and is the primary mechanism to get better equipment) or gear. So even though I liked many of the people in the guild, I left :/

I still feel bad about it because I'm quite fond of them and it felt like I've betrayed them in some manner. On the other hand, the GM was really getting on my nerves with the preferential treatment and dictatorial style. *sigh* never thought I'd get emotional over a game.

Well, I'll just have to hope for the best in the new guild. They are not Singaporeans and they speak predominantly in "ching chong cheena". We'll see how it goes...
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P.S: And I forgot to mention, we've recently crossed the 5 year mark :) Spent that evening picnicing by ECP. For all his lack of culinary skills, he makes some mean salmon + cream cheese sandwiches. Extra salmon pls!

2 month's of silence

2 month's of silence.

Filled, just getting by.

Work is a big let down. And I'm stuck here for what it's a worth.

Gaming life goes on. But sometimes I don't care.

Getting registered for our marriage. Final ceremony will be simple. Prob in October. I don't really care. In my mind, we were already wed a long time back.

In about 3 months, we celebrate our 5th anniversary.

It feels tired. Sometimes it feels like we only have each other.
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Moving Along

Apropos e*'s post about moving on, I have to confess that 4 months into the job and I already have the desire to move on. The company culture just isn't me. Too fussy about minute details. Too squabbly. And most of all very very Gen X. Read this article recently about Gen Y's at the work place. While I've always hated such type casting, I for once can identify with being a Gen Y. Some of the points mentioned:

• Do not respond to the traditional command-and-control type of management.
• Have a speak-your-mind philosophy
• Care about work-life balance
• Embrace change
• Comfort with technology
• Crave constant feedback

On the other hand, there's the feeling that the situation is the same in most work places. But I do not feel like I can do anything to change the status pro quo.

Sigh. I miss my MENG project days. I think I just miss projects where you have a sense of mission and of achieving something. And I don't feel like I'm a highly qualified clerical officer to an indecisive bunch. I'm probably exaggerating this somewhat. I just feel like I need a clearer direction of where my life is going. So if things don't work out here, my next career choice is to be a consultant. Or a financial analyst. Or a not-very-rich tai tai.
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Moving in a Month

Didn't have much time to blog lately. No further progress towards my impending marriage. I'm starting to think we can stay going-to-get-married for the next five years. Oh fine, may be not. The 'rents will probably kill us first (using the ever powerful incessant nagging) before that happens. I'm kinda waiting for the big move to the new place so I can hold the registration ceremony there. It's not that I'm hoping to have this romantic I don't know what there but that's the only way I can get registered on a weekend.

Somehow, all the things I wanted to say seems so boring. My life just sounds boring. Either that or I'm just horrible at making them sound terrific. But I guess it's hard to make reading, playing table tennis and being in love sound fantastic without risking sounding too cheesy. One thing that would really make it all better is having my own kitchen. We are both missing my erratic cooking and I really hate to cook in someone else's kitchen. Ooo, this weekend, I'm looking forward to cooking chili con carne!

Will also be furniture shopping for our rooms in the new place this weekend. We already have some key pieces in mind like the platform bed and L-shaped sofa but the rest of our rooms are still unknown. Well except the wall color which me and his mum decided on yesterday. I hope lavender doesn't come out too gay for the bedroom. The lounge/games room will be a neutral magnolia. The bedrooms have this yucky sandy brown parquet floors which I really wish could be stained black or dark brown but that would set us back by probably two thousand dollars ++.
My conclusion is that I'm so not an interior designer. Shall see if I get inspired this weekend. Must remember to bring my camera out!
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Wedding Rings

We bought wedding rings on Saturday. We probably made the trainee sales assistant's day with that transaction. Not that she was very helpful, mind. I already knew the design that I liked. I saw it at another branch earlier where everybody was too busy attending to the $200 purchases *oh I think this bracelet is too delicate* to care about the potential >2k sale in a ratty t-shirt and cargo pants. I did give them a fair chance sitting there for 5 minutes totally unattended feeling like a moron.

Actually even at this shop, there was a couple looking at wedding rings who was hogging the display. So it was a good thing I knew what I wanted. While we paid for our purchases, the same couple was *still* seated there. Starting to wonder if we were too quick in purchasing it. We *did* visit several jewellers prior to the purchase. So anyway, the ring is not ready yet and it probably looks like any other wedding ring so I'm not gonna post a pic. Embarassingly, darling has the same ring size as me. I shall happily conclude that he's way too skinny instead of the contrary.

Yeah so the ring comes with this dazzly diamond thing. The bright side (pun unintended) is that i won't have to endure awkward outbursts of "Oh, you mean it's a wedding ring? Where's the diamond?" Not that I would have cared. Eat sparkly diamond glare. So the ring I liked came with the stone. I guess I could have asked for the male version which doesn't have a diamond. Didn't really strike me at that point in time.

Women must be magpies reincarnated.
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