Finding my Freedom

I was quite unhappy the previous time he brought his friend home to play on the console. They would spend hours playing and generally lose track of time. I’m always uncomfortable in the presence of strangers especially if they are strangers that belong to someone I know. Even if I’m in my home, I manage to feel claustrophobic. That time, I just sat and sulked, hoping that he will somehow realize it. Which he didn’t.

My chest tightened. I got sad at my own inconsequence and then angry. But I never really did anything about it. I just kept quiet and fumed inside. (Imagine how bad my blood pressure must have been!) I thought I couldn’t do anything. After all, how do you ask a guest to leave without being offensive?

So all this while that I’ve pegged myself in, I never realized that freedom was so easy for the taking. It did not dance in flashy ads or hide behind a banyan tree. Somehow, I just never saw it. I just suffered silently and let the anger bubble along painfully. Today, it was different and I am happier for it. I never realize it could be as simple as saying “Okay, I think you guys should stop”. How silly I am.

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The Blues

It’s been one week at work. I’m still waiting for them to shuffle the portfolios and give me something to do. So meanwhile, I’m just sitting around reading anything I can lay my hands on. But it’s starting to get boring. I wonder if the fact that it’s Friday makes me want to leave more eagerly than usual. Or maybe it’s been a whole long week of monotony.
Man there’s so little time left when you start working. Everything has to be cramped into the measly weekends. No wonder people suffer from Monday blues.
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The LongDue Update

Last Friday was my first day of work. I believe I can summarize my job with four dreary words: long hours, low pay. I don’t really like the people from HR. Most of the general staff I’ve met there are really inefficient. On the other hand, I guess that’s why they are stuck in that kind of job. If they were deserving, efficient but merely uneducated, they would have already moved on. At least we have a car now, so getting to and from work is a lot faster than it would have been.

His parents also bought a condo around their area with the intention of parking us there. Forever. (Update: The deal didn’t go through for various reasons. So we are stuck in the same condo. Forever!!! Not.) Maybe they are already imagining cute little unborn grandchildren running around them screaming "Grandma" and "Grandpa" (Or maybe even "Gramps!"). I shudder to think of it. So essentially, we have been bribed to stay close to them even though our work place is really at the other end of the island and it would have been so much economical to get a place there.

I guess I should be happy that I’m marrying into a ‘good’ life. But I’m not. Some people might dream of marrying a rich prince/ heir/ person, stay at a condo instead of a crummy HDB and drive cars instead of slumming it on public transport ( we still take buses when there is a direct bus to our destination. Parking is troublesome). I guess I’ve probably done my fair share of dreaming of marrying some rich guy and living the life of a tai tai. I really can’t remember. Right now, that just seems so absurd, not to mention boring. After all, I didn’t go through all those years of education so I can sit around diligently being unproductive.

I don’t know if this is a result of being in love, but I find myself easily contented with simple things. Like being together. Like a cow.
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It's over!

Finally finally finally, the project is over! This week past by with a frenetic pace. I've been practically living in the school labs. Besides the times when we break for meals, we've been working and working and working.

Saturday and Sunday: Working on presentation, running tonnes of simulations. Results turned out to be rather disappointing
Monday: Presentation. Went pretty well. But was so long that the profs were falling asleep
Tuesday & Wednesday: Writing up and more writing up
Thursday: Proofreading and making corrections
Friday: Printing and then binding.

The report turned out to be just over a hundred pages and we had to print 11 copies of it. So our print job turned out to be ~1150 pages and cost ~$300 bucks. Luckily, the project is sponsored so it's nothing out of our pockets. I did hear that some other options had to fork out money to do the printing etc. What giving out our labor for free and still have to pay for it? Outrageous!

Anyway, I'm glad it's over. Sorry for not replying any mail for so long. I was so tired by the time I get back :{

So I still have a week left before commencement and another 1/2 week or so after that before I leave here. I'm gonna miss it but I'm also looking forward to going back. Esp all that yummy food. Gawd, I'm making myself hungry.

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The One Before

So my final exam in university has ended. It went okay. Now, I'll need to work full time on the project. Anyway, Baba in my last vent is really a nice guy. In fact, I couldn't ask for a better team member. I guess even when I complain, whine, get angry with people, it's sometimes really a heat of the moment thing. The good thing is all the negativity dissipates once I get a good nights sleep. (so maybe all that displeasure was really because I have a horrible disposition when I'm lacking sleep) The bad thing is when I sometimes act impulsively when I'm pissed off and I would really wish I didn't say or do the things I did.

In my case, I've come to accept that I complain about things because I am unable to cope with them. One of the good things about being able to talk to darling about anything is that I learn new things about myself when I'm talking about things I'm so used to doing. Because I directed his attention on me, I'm more conscious of how he sees me, hence, giving me a more objective view of my own actions.

So anyway, if whoever I wrote about accidentally chance upon this site, I'm deeply sorry for what I've said before. My own incompetence in dealing with certain situations is no reason for me to vent on others.
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It's sometimes hard for me to start writing. Most of the time I'm horribly dissatisfied with what I had and end up rewriting one paragraph several times. The most enjoyable writing I've done tends to flow directly from the brain to print, no silly sentence contruction woes etc. Of course that probably means that my grammer is worse than usual but... well... that's what spell checks are for? :o)

What I would really wish to do is to make any type of writing enjoyable. Or at least tolerable. I was struck with this idea after my exam today that during exams, I never seem to have a problem with writing. Perhaps I've been trained so well to answer questions that it comes naturally. So what I thought might work is to pose my writing pieces to myself as questions like "What is the purpose of this section?" and move on from there. It probably sounds silly but I think forcing myself to think about why I'm writing it sometimes help in giving myself clarity of thought. Will try this when I'm writing the report later.

One of the things about the report that I'm really trying to achive is to write like a kid. Not in terms of the content but the style. I've really hated reading papers and books whose main purpose appears to be impressing or confusing rather than enhance understanding. I've come to believe that we should write to be understood. If I can help it, I will not use jargon in my writing or yawn-inducing equations. I'm personally a technical person. I understand jargon. I love Maths. But equations still make my eyes gloss over whenever I see them. How would it look to someone without the same background as I do?

A common 'fault' I've found among the American engineering students is the desire to spew jargon. Maybe it impresses people in job interviews and thus grants them a better job. I personally don't like it. If an employer didn't hire me because I didn't use words he didn't understand, perhaps this is not the company I would be really happy in.

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Symptom #4

So I realized that symptom #4 is actually the urge to make repeated entries to my blog.

When he's around, I vent, complain, whine, discuss... basically talk about everything nitty gritty thing. And somehow after I've talked about things, I no longer feel the urge to even think about them in great details anymore. Which could explain why I no longer keep a diary after we got together. Which makes my pre-'him' days sound kinda sad. Like I have nobody I can talk to. Actually more like I won't want to bore other people with those silly little things.

Anyway, let me complain about my group member. Let's call that person 'Baba' (short for babaniang). Today, we were arguing about which methods we should use for the application. So Baba already implemented his way of doing it which I thought was a really bad idea. So we decided to ask our advisor about it.

It turned out that we could use Baba's way for part of the application, which is great news because it means that some preliminary results we obtained would still be valid and we don't have to rerun them.

What really irked me though was that Baba immediately said something to the effect of "see, I'm right' or 'yes!'. Uh-huh, right in front of our advisor. I didn't know he was so bloody concerned about being right. I personally don't care if I'm proven right or wrong. I just want to get the job done well. But obviously not so with him. I thought his little verbal victory dance was pretty rude. That, comebined with his customary condescending "If you insist, we'll do it your way" when I'm trying to suggest a better way of doing things, kinda royally pissed me off. Especially since he rarely listens to what I'm really saying, he just does whatever he wants anyway. (I'm probably being unfair to him on this part. It's really more about his other attitude problem)

Anyway, after furthur clarification, it turned out that we needed to use my idea for another part of the application (which was what I was really concerned with in the first place) aka 'Baba' was wrong. Childish, pushy dumbass.

Aaaah much better.
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Hopeless

I'm really hopeless. Here I am trying to convince myself that I'm okay even if he's not here. Still doesn't stop me from getting all lonely and missing him at every corner.

Sypmtom #1: Drowning myself in work
... is almost pathetic. Well, not exactly drowning but I've been working on some notes for our study group (basically a bunch of us bums who never catch up with the reading and decided to each do a portion of the readings), random research on stuff etc.

Symptom #2: Not very nice Top 40s music is also blasting in the background
... in a bid to distract myself from how quiet it is here. Soon I'll be reduced to talking to my soft toys.

Symptom #3: Things that I normally do for entertainment seems so pointless
Somehow can't seem to derive the same pleasure from reading stuff or playing Diablo. Ironically, when he's around, that's all I do and I don't actually spend more time with him...

Bah! Need to get myself out of this almost-funk. *grumpy* __________________________________________________________

Summer is around the corner

Summer's around the corner. Today's temperature was a sweltering 25C. 5 minutes out of my house and I was beginning to melt.

Darling has just left for Cincinnati to present his project to the sponsors. Mine is next Monday, on-campus, which is a relief since flying to Phoenix and back is a serious pain and waste of time. Well at least time that could be better used for other things. So today and tomorrow, I'll be all by myself in this room. I will miss him sorely but on the other hand, it's been a long time since I have the freedom to be responsible for myself and only myself. It's not that being a couple is burdensome but it's different when you can make decisions that are "For-Me-Only". I guess sometimes I do enjoy time by myself.

Not that I will be doing anything I won't be doing if he were around -- working on the project, playing Diablo II, browsing forums, etc. The feeling is just a bit different. Ah, and I can also blast teeny bopper (like Avril Lavigne) or techno (like BT, DJ Tiesto) music without feeling guilty for subjecting him to it :)

Most of the important things I have to take care of before I go home are settled.

1. Book tickets *Check*
2. Sending belongings home *Almost check*
- books are on their way but not too sure if the rest will fit in our suitcases
3. Liquidating other crap *Check*
- At least the big ticket items are taken care of i.e car, TV
4. Discarding items *Quarter check*
- I've been throwing some winter gear like boots, extra comforters away.
- Also arranged for a charity to pick up our PCs. Yeah, donated them away. Nobody's gonna buy 4 year old PCs
5. Taxes *Check*
6. Cancel phone, cable
7. Closing bank account, getting bank drafts
8. Pack!!!
9. Clean up stupid house so they won't charge us $25 per hour and hire someone to clean it
10. Return keys. Arrange to get deposits back

And then there's still my project to finish up. Bummer.

Farewell, baby car.

Today is the last day baby car will be with us.

In the evening, his new owners will be here to lead him away. It has been great fun driving around with him. He gave us the freedom to go out unconstrained by bus schedules. He is our first car. Well, it's really johnny's car but nevertheless, we both feel emotionally attached to him. It's funny how we develop feeling overs inanimate things.

When we first purchased him, we never thought he was the car we wanted, at least not in that color and not with the rear spoiler. If we ever get our second car though, I'm tempted to get one that looks just the same. (that would probably not be within the next five years given the cost of owning one in Singapore)
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Hair of Steel

It's quite amazing but did you know that hair can pierce your skin? Well, I didn't. Either the hair around my apartment is extremely tough or the skin on my feet is extremely soft. Given that I have been walking on my feet and developing nice protective layers of corn, I'll bet on the former.
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Seal the deal

Whoopee, will no longer have to worry about baby car. Finally gotten a firm buyer. After all that effort of putting up a website (with purty pictures and stuff. even had to endure a not so nice remark from darling saying it sounded so gimmicky. *huff*), placing a classified ad, making appointments for test drives and other stuff, it's almost over. Just need to finish the paperwork, tidy up the maintenance records to pass over to the next owner :) The car was sold at a pretty nice discount for the buyer but I was glad that I at least got the asking price I wanted.

One and half weeks more of classes and I will probably not be in school for at least another 5 years.

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The Friday Ritual

Recently, we've started this ritual of going to Wegman's on Friday evening for dinner. They have some really great wings at the food court and reasonably priced + yummy-licious sushi. There's also a new favorite of mine seabreeze salad which consists of fresh seaweed drizzled with sesame seed oil. For 15 dollars and some change, we enjoyed a really great meal.

After dinner, we would head to Barnes and Nobles and browse through books/magazines/manga for the next 2 hours. This is usually around 9 by which time the store would be closing. So we walk next door to Tops and buy the week's groceries.

It's almost like a date and I really like it. I guess we never really "dated" much since we moved in together and see each other every day. But days like these are fun and I kinda regret that our time here is coming to an end. On the other hand, I'm kinda excited to go back too. I think I shall deem Friday nights our date nights from now on :)
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Liquidation

We're one step closer to selling our car. One prospective buyer has asked us to go for a buyer's check and I take it that she'll take it if all goes well. Hopefully that is the case and I will no longer have to worry about finding a good owner for my darling car. Yes, we treat the car like it's a little rombunctious baby. Well, more like a baby pet really. I think I will miss having him around.

The car currently consists of a significant portion of our monthly expenses but given the fun we've had with him, I think it was well worth it. I probably can't say the same for a car in Singapore. We've been relatively sedentary and our longest driving trip is the one to New York City. The car is more like a glorified shopping cart but without it, we wouldn't have access to cheaper groceries so that sort of covers a little of the cost of ownership.

Anyway, I've been trying to sell off some of the items we've accumulated so far. I'm practically giving them away (which I will do when I really have to leave). I've already pledged my PC to charity, on my way to selling the car, got rid of a few unused household appliances, sent off the few books with resale value... but there's still so much junk. Personal belongings like pillows and comforters that I still have to discard.

I feel somewhat guilty for creating so much trash. I think disposal of solid waste is going to be a really big problem and we should play our part in reducing the amount of junk we create. Next time I buy something, I will try and ask myself: "Is this something you will use until it break?" Somehow milking everything out of my purchases seems to give me as evident when my jeans literally fell apart
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An un-nervous phone call

I don't know if I have mentioned this before. I have a phobia of talking to people I don't know. This especially applies to phone calls to businesses where I almost never know who I'm talking to. The making conversation part is fine. It's the period between me grabbing the phone and waiting for someone to pick up that is really unnerving.

About a month ago, I picked up someone's cellphone. Being the kind soul that I was, I decided to give his (it turned out) mum a call. It was the only person on his speed dial whom I knew would immediately identify who he is. I was afraid. What if she thought I was some crook or telemarketer? On hindsight, that's pretty irrational, nobody thinks of anybody that calls as a telemarketer... When I did call her, I got her answering machine. She called back later and I missed it coz I'm such a cellphone noob that I almost never hear/ feel cellphone ring/vibrate. So I finally talked to her and gave her my phone number for her son to contact me. I was quite happy with myself for challenging this mental hurdle. Of course subsequently, I made darling pick up the phone when the son called.

But anyway, I just called up the local papars to place a car ad to sell our baby car. To my surprise, I was relatively nonchalent about it. Just pick up the phone and get along with the business. Granted, I had broken out in a light nervous sweat when I was done but I think my phobia days might just be over.
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The Pain of GUI

One of the class projects I'm working on has a big emphasis on GUIs (Graphical User Interface). The division of work in our team consists of darling working on coding the simulation while I work on the interface.

After pouring hours into some relatively simple user forms with graphs etc, I've finally realized the pain of all user interface designers the world over. The problem with interfaces is that if it's good, nobody will ever realize it. People only ever think about the interface when it's not good enough (Why can't I just drag and drop this? Should add this feature and that feature...)

I'm sure there are other examples where we take things for granted. Maybe like how we expect all cars to come with power windows and air-conditioning. Can you imagine that in the older days those were actually luxury items? Or another example may be air conditioned buses. Any more that you can think of?
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Test Result: Normal

Whee! The results of my urine culture came back to confirm that it is normal. I had deduced (and probably deluded myself) that it was so by virtue of the fact that I didn't get a call etc telling me it wasn't. That's great news. So I'm finally free of this pesky infection.

I was somewhat surprised by the really low cost I had to pay for the antibiotics though. For 10 Cipro pills, the pharmacy bill came to $2.53. I could have sworn it cost me more than $15 the last time round. Maybe it has something to do with the shortage of the said pill the last time with the whole Antrax fiasco. Well, I'm not complaining.

It would be nice of course if the test results came back a little earlier. Instead of 3 weeks later. I wonder how much of it is paperwork. If the campus healthcare system is representative of the US systems, they need to do much better than that. While I was sitting in the waiting room for my prescription, there must have been at least 6 people who walked in the door bearing some test results. Given the cost of human labor, they need a more efficient way than walking up the stairs every time a document needs to be transferred.
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Torn

4 weeks more of classes. Torn between being relived that school will be over soon and the fact that working life will begin. Of course the grey area between will be very much welcomed.

The last weeks of classes is also the busy periods where projects get completed. My masters project has been on track but somehow the work never stops coming. Right now, I'm performing some sensitivity analysis. The runs take a while so meanwhile, I surf the web and blog etc. It's kinda nice to feel productive while doing other things. I'm really hoping that I will at least enjoy my work. I'm not even sure which department I will be posted in yet. I might request to go back to network planning. The group there is pretty young and I've had a fruitful time there.

Recently, I've had the feeling that I have too many things I want to do but too little time. It's not that my schedule is packed. To the contrary, my class schedule is relatively blank. However, many of my tasks require indefinite number of hours with no immediate urgency. I know that I have to get my projects and reading done by the end of the semester but I can't quite get myself to commit a fixed number of hours each week working on them. Me thinks I need more discipline. Sometimes I get confused between how I should tradeoff my wish to relax and desire to succeed. Is the delayed gratification really worth the sacrifice of enjoyment now?

Sometimes I actually worry that I work myself so hard that I'm missing out on enjoying my youthful days. Conversely it could also be true that I'm just kidding myself and I should really be doing more than I am now.
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The Middle Path

Trendy. One of those things that will never be. To begin with, I hate following trends. For me, most things that come with a boat load of hype attached actually has their utility discounted. Movies definitely fall into this category. I remember in my first year of junior college, The Ring was the movie to watch. Everyone was talking about it. I wouldn't go near it with a 10-foot pole. (Granted, I was biased in the first place: Coz I hate horror movies. Coz I'm always scared after I watch it. Coz I think it's insane to pay to get scared shitless.)

I'm a late adopter of technology and trends in general. I'd never be caught dead with the latest gadget. I'm woefully uninformed about the new "in" thing. If I were in an American high school, I would be one of those bookish, uncool kids who get picked on all time. I don't see any real value in fitting in.

I'm a non-conformist yet I have also adopted the penchant of hiding behind the mask of mediocrity. There's a Chinese saying that promotes the middle path. I am guessing it was prudent advice for an era in ancient china when the prominent tend to get into trouble with authorities and the poor suffered badly(?).

I find it difficult to do things I think none of my peers or immediate friends are even thinking about. I instinctively tried to hide from someone I know in the finance class that I'm sitting in. On hindsight, there was nothing really wrong with me just sitting in. It's really not something to be ashamed of.

I also feel silly looking up facts about insurance, housing and investment products. I should be proud of myself for trying to be more financially savvy. Well I am somewhat proud but it still doesn't ease that weirdo feeling I have when my darling asks me about what I was reading.

I'm just not comfortable standing out from the crowd I'm in. Even if the crowd is of size two.In that particular case, the fact that his opinions matter more than most is important. I guess it's related to my inability to speak up in class often. When you speak in public or do something different, you subject yourself to the scrutiny. And I'm not up to it. Yet. I guess having thought this out and identified it here, it will be easier for me to overcome it in the future.
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An ode to my mum

The women in my family are savers. Well, maybe by "the" women I only mean my mum and me, and also my aunt. My sister doesn't seem to fall in this category but that may have been a result of that period when our household was just eking by.

I've been very close to my mum ever since I was a wee kid. Being close to somebody inevitably means that you pick up a lot of their habits and philosophies. I would have turned out very differently if I had a working mum who comes home too tired to care. Not to disparage the efforts of all working women, I can't deny that there are definitely potential advantages to having a stay at home mum. Working mums just don't have the luxury of time.

Anyway, in our household, my mum is the chief finance officer. She determines how much to spend on which item. Usually, her own needs are the last in line. At home, I rarely even see the leftovers; my mum eats them for lunch. She works like the Google founders who are working for $1 except without the lucrative stock options. Mums have it really tough.

All that aside, I think I've picked up her frugal habits. I grew up in the generation of consumers yet I find myself reluctant to consume. While most people are cashing out on their future with the use of credit cards, here I am thinking of how to save my measly first wage even before I start working. I don't mean I will be a penny pincher but somehow the idea of budgeting and accomodating all my needs have become more of an intellectual exercise. After all that's what operations research is about, looking for balances between tradeoffs and getting an optimal allocation.

Sometimes, I get on a high just from learning new things. My sponge of grey matter is surprisingly thirsty, even after all these years of sometimes boring formal education.

I hope my mum is as happy as I am about how I've turned out. My gradual independece forged a big part of my philosophy but it was built on the foundation of good sense that she helped mould. One of my goals in achieving financial freedom is to provide her with a well deserved retirement and provide for her future as she did mine.
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Moving Out. Again

So there was my annual dose of sickliness. It's like a whole years worth of sickness bundled into one. I guess it could be a sign of healthiness. If you're healthy, normal illnesses glance off you like
pebbles on a bullet-proof vest. So if something manages to penetrate it, it should logically be more powerful than your average sickness.

I'm now back to typing normal posts instead of those dumb cryptic one liners that I came up with while I was suffering from insomnia.

With only 5 more weeks of classes and less than 2 months before I depart for home, I'm occupied with the more mundane things like projects and packing up. I *think* I have relatively little to bring
home. I mean, besides a half dozen books, I only have my 1 1/2 wardrobe of clothes to get home. (1 and 1/2 because my clothes has spilled over and taken over half of my darling's territory) So I'll
ship the books home and the clothes should fit nicely into my two suitcases. Easy-peasy.

On the other hand, I have noticed a propensity for underestimating the sheer volume of things I possess. So we'll see how my optimistic estimation turn out this June. Trying my best to liquidate my other stuff before I leave as well.

You'd think that after all these years leading the nomadic life, I should be a pro in this whole moving around business. Well, I'm not. The whole logistics of moving home and then out again to Singapore is actually a fair bit of pain.

Johnny and I are thinking of moving out together. For one thing, his place is too far away from work. Of course we would also love to be able to have the privacy our own place would afford us. Even if it is rented. After so many years of living together, we can't really contemplate staying apart like normal boyfriend and girlfriends. It would mean I can't cook homely meals for him anymore. No more hugs and kisses as and when we like. We would probably have to meet outside fairly often instead of chilling on the couch. So economically and time-wise, we are probably better off renting a place. The pressure of staying with in-laws is too much for me to handle.

All this means that we have to find a reasonably priced flat or apartment to rent before we can afford our own place. I wonder if the company would actually provide me with a housing allowance. I have a sneky suspicion that won't be the case. I'd be lucky if I can get reimbursement for relocation expenses.

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