In My Own Skin

I’ve never once been comfortable in my own skin these 23 years. From the nascent years when I started to notice how I look, there was always something that distressed me. It was either my round (translate: big/ fat) face, unruly and big hair, my perceived overweight-ness (whether it is true remains a mystery), horrible pimple outbreaks, flabby arms, spares around the waist, imagined thunder thighs, simply fat ass or some random chest dissatisfaction. This was still true as of this summer. But somehow, somewhere, something just pounced onto these negative thoughts and imprisoned them. While my eyes still see those very same “imperfections”, the mind has started to accept the minute details as normal and the whole package as even somewhat attractive. Maybe it was the culmination of what Johnny has been telling me. Some of that has finally sunk in and I’ve begun to think of myself as beautiful. At least to my eyes. Not the I’m-a-blond-with-blue-eyes-doll type of beautiful. Not the doe-eyed-rebonded-hair-china-doll beautiful. Just a general wholesomeness.

<>While flipping through the August issue of Cosmo, one particular line caught my attention. It claimed that guys really don’t care about your roll of tummy fat (and seriously they really don’t want to see you pinch them etc). It’s really the whole package and how you carry yourself that really matters. Confirmed it with Johnny. Kinda thought about it and I guess it kinda fits into the typical guy attitude/outlook. So actually the only people who are going to noticed that jelly-like tummy is well, other women. And frankly it really doesn’t matter what they think. Hmmm doesn’t it mean that I only care about what guys think? Well, not exactly. Only one guy in particular. One of the good things in being in America is that I’m actually a size s (or sometimes smaller depending on the brand) whereas in Malaysia/Singapore I’m pretty much a solid medium. (sometimes even a demoralizing large. Which part of me looks large to you!!! *mutter* prob to cater to the growing anorexic types…. *comforting self* <>

Anyway, to all my lovely friends, I hope you too will soon grow to love being in your own skin. Or to find someone who can convince you enough to be so. Adieu.