Where's the Excitement?

If I was going to a totally new working environment, would I feel more excitement than this quiet dread? My lack of interest in the new job is a little disconcerting to me because for me lack of interest really means that I'll do a terrible job. For some reason, I do really poorly in thinks I've lost interest in. Like a boring essay topic, or dry lectures + lecturers. I've gone through many subjects in school by finding interest in them. Otherwise, I don't think I would have done as well as I did. The ones that I didn't, totally flunked out on me.

Hopefully I will find some spark in the work I am assigned, considering I did not even have a choice in the matter. But I guess this wil be like going back to where it all began -- the very first internship that inspired me to study operations research instead of the more traditional engineering fields.

Sadly, I can probably muster more enthusiasm for the upcoming WoW expansion even though I've stopped playing for a few months.

__________________________________________________________

Am I Emotionally Distant?

A colleague quit today. I wasn't particularly surprised since she's another one liberated from her bondage. It seems a few of my colleagues already knew about it earlier. It's not that I'm eager for such news but I wonder if I really am emotionally detached compared to the other girls. It's probably not a big deal and I'm just overanalyzing other's responses towards me.

But I was also the last to know about a few other colleagues who were in a relationship with people around the company. Rationally, I could attribute some of it to my lack of interest in gossip. I'm not really interested in who's with who and who did what. If they wanted me to know, they would have said it themselves right? And if they wanted to hide, I wouldn't bother to pry.

I may be grasping on straws but cumulatively the evidence seems to suggest that I'm not someone that people normally talk to. Is it really true that I'm emotionally distant?

__________________________________________________________

Random Ramblings

Slight breathing space as the dragons are busy with other work that I'm not involved in. Seriously though, my work generally leaves me fairly independent. I love the bits where I build a model though the mindreading/finetuning in the end usually leaves me a little frustrated since it takes up so much time.

I'm not sure why people seem to think that my boss is very demanding. I mean, yes she is demanding but I actually enjoy that aspect of her. I think it's easier to take pride in your work when people hold you to higher standards. It's annoying at times to be as detailed as she wants you to be because of the time constraints and I end up making annoying mistakes due to the rush which really ticks me off.
_________________________________________________________
Side note, I had my haircut about a month ago and it's starting to look like how I intended it when I told the hairdresser to give me a chin length fringe. She seemed a little shocked at my request which made me waver but now I'm really loving it. A soft fringe that ends near the chin to mask my round face and longer hair at the back. The longer hair by the side and back has these really nice wavy look to it today, which really made my day. In reality, it's probably not half as pretty as I think it looks.

What I'd really want to try is to get curls at the ends of my hair but I think it's a bit too much maintenance for me. I want a simple kind of routine where I can wake up brush my hair and go.
__________________________________________________________

The 6-month Qn

My colleague K came up with an interesting question about what you would do if you had 6 mths to do whatever you wanted, constraints like financials aside.

I realize that in the end I still want to write. But I think I need more life experiences to write the kind of books that I want. I need a better understanding of people.
__________________________________________________________

An Affair with Work

I liken my relationship with my company to a marriage. I've been thinking of leaving when the end date arrives but a niggling part of my mind questions, should I really leave at the first sight of things not going my way? It seems like I'm running away from the problem. Should I then stay and try to change the environment instead?

From a personal viewpoint, I've enjoyed my work here. I like working with my current boss and I've picked up good working ethics. But I've been here for too long. I'm no longer learning anything new. I should have been moved to another department to grow other aspects of my professional skills but the company has deprived me the priviledges that others have been granted.

I told myself before I ever got into any relationship that I would never put up with abuse. Especially physical abuse. If a guy ever hits me, that's it for the relationship. I believed that abuse should never be tolerated. It signals a lack of basic respect for a fellow human being, regardless of whether you love someone. People are not objects that you can throw around; they will feel pain.

In my mind, I knew you can only change someone only if they feel a sincere need to change themselves. And even then, fundamental beliefs will remain the same. By the age of 18 and beyond, most of the ideas that make you uniquely you has crystallized. Your personality can change but you can change what you believe in easily. I didn't want to enter into any relationship expecting to morph the person I'm with into the ideal I have. I wanted to accept the ones I love, just the way they are.

Maybe it's naive of me to apply this to a company. Do I want to fall in love with it? We no longer live in an age of life-long employment yet I have such fanciful notions of the groups that I belong to. I do not enjoy the act of leaving. I want to be loyal to a cause I believe in. I would not leave because someone offered me a better paying job but I would leave if my company does not show appreciation for who I am and what I do.

Even in a game such as World of Warcraft, I took my guilds very seriously. When I left my previous guild, I was truly unhappy. Then I joined the current one and have stuck with them for the 1+ year ever since. Through the thick and thins, it was a long journey and many of those that I know are no longer even there. Why then do I still stay? In the end, perhaps I am still living in a land of fairies and honor and justice. How do such archaic notions fit in this world?
__________________________________________________________

Delusions of the Creatures of Vice

So I lament yet again about the poor quality of my writings but in truth, I'm glad that I write at all. Right now, I just want to subscribe to the thought of quantity over quality. I used to want to be a writer. It's still a small dream of mine but I think to improve and get back that writer's mindset, I can only continue to write, however poor they turn out to be. As I go along, it's nice to be able to chronicle my thoughts about people and things around me. Maybe many years down the road, if I stray from the path called "I", I will remember what it was like to be the me now that I enjoy being.

There is this old 50+ year old guy in my department. As is the norm in his time, he had very little education. He barely even knew English at that time. After 30+ years, he is still at his old position doing similar work. The company was quite generous in the early years in giving out stock options and those who stayed long enough would have had a tidy sum to retire with. But this old chap frittered it all away on luxury goods, women and alcohol because he wanted to live the high life. He would boast to us about how he spent hundreds on a night on karaoke or how he generously bought an expensive dish of kobe beef for a girl he saw at a restaurant. And all the while, he living on borrowed money. He owes a large sum to creditors and I imagine that his financials are in dire straits.

The company recently awarded him about $1000 as a token appreciation for his long service. From what I can hear, he has spent it all gambling. He was loudly proclaiming to his colleagues that if he still had the money he would have treated them to lunch but he already spent it before it was even received.

"The possibility of winning is slim but at least I bought some hope. If I don't gamble, there is not even any hope left", he said. Is this the mentality of gamblers? I'm personally not a gambler. It's interesting but me and darling have no interest in the vices: gambling, drink, smoking. In fact, we stand quite strongly against smoking and dislike alcohol.

The sad part is, many Singaporeans believe that having money will make them happy. The old man above continued, asking his colleague to spend her windfall money treating him to lunch instead, "Just spend the money on other people and make them happy. And it will make you feel rich". And at some point you realize that some people like him cannot be saved. Instead of thinking about what he did wrong, he was blaming God for not helping him (win the lottery) especially since, in his own words, he is such a kind and generous person. Do people really think that money is everything? There are ways you can be kind without money. The way he was boasting about obnoxiously makes a scene at customer services, or calling up employees of banks and harass them, I can hardly believe so.

It is people like him that makes me feel strongly against welfare. I do not want to give money to people, old, pathetic or otherwise who do not even help themselves. If he spent all his money frivolously and ended up in poverty, I do not want to be the one supporting those like him. There might be people who sincerely need funds to pick themselves back up but an indiscriminate welfare system that will help support the dregs of society just feels wrong to me.
__________________________________________________________

The Get-by Age

My apologies for the quality of my writing. It partly has to do with me rushing them out at the office in between phone calls, work and other distractions. Sometimes I reread them and they make no sense at all. Instead of having a consistent thread of though drawn out from me, all I got is a bundle of knots.

I am getting annoyed with work again. Firstly, I just realized that this work that Finance passed to me had an error in it. Well we were short of one resource and they made a mistake in representing that as one additional...It's partly my fault for trusting their summarized number in the first place.But I had no time to look through it at all since I was rushing another project. So now I'm picking up the pieces. Then there was another suggestion by a. sales to move forward some of the resource without considering that a) we need a counter-movement to that to maintain our requirements and b) those are committed resources that we shouldn't move. Granted this fellow from a.sales is serving his 3 mths so there's probably no motivation to get it right. But I get annoyed with people who don't put in the effort. In a sense, I like the way I do things. I try to summarize the changes that I do so that it's easier for people to understand what I have been doing.

But it surprises me to see the attitude of those around me who do just enough to get-by. I guess I shouldn't be so annoyed because this is one feature that distinguishes the wheat from the chafe
__________________________________________________________

Resentment

A male colleague was ranting to us about the low pay, the poor working environment (why doesn't the company pay for transportation?). While they might be valid to some extent (the pay is truly not fantastic, and it is very far from civilisation), I find it hard to see where the resentment comes from. Especially from someone who has not even tried to adapt to the work culture or put in effort in his work.

Indeed Singaporeans are a materialistic bunch. This chap was doing part time work in his spare hours to supplement his income. But it is nowhere a necessity. Me and my partner both work in the same poorly paid job but we are well off enough. Money is honestly not the reason why I would quit my job. Basically, you can't pay me enough to make me stay. But even if I don't like my job, I won't slack off and leave the dirt to someone else to clean up after me. I wouldn't do unethical things like push to the front of the queue to get a seat and deprive someone of their rightful ownership. It's shameless. If you think it's okay and blame it on the environment, then you heart is not set right. Is it really alright for the ends to justify the means? Honestly, even though I thought he was an outright slacker, I'm disappointed that he doesn't have the integrity to be fair to other people. It's a big disgrace. And there he was complaining that because of the company, people were shoving each other as they get out. It's not the fault of the company that people shove their way out of the door at 5:20pm. 10 minutes before the official end of the day.

And then shortchanging on the bus fare because you had to stand? Why don't you just not get on? Yes, the company could have done better by providing additional shuttle buses to the nearest MRT but that doesnt make it alright to do things that pleases you but penalizes others.
__________________________________________________________

The Managing Model

So I finally got the meeting set up yesterday. After all the time wasting emails, all it took was for the two bigshots to agree on a time and everything else would have fell into place. But no, I had to send multiple emails to the parties involved, call up secretaries, try to get them to make space for this meeting and in the end, all it took was for one of the bosses to make a decision on the time.

To begin with, I think the working model for the company is untenable. The management is so busy with meetings that he does not have room for ad-hoc matters that requires their attention. How then does he get time to think about vision and strategy for the company? That should be the job of the top executives not just the CEO. Sure, their job is to look at the more micro details that does not reach the Chief Executive but if all they do is minutia, what separates them from the other workers? The scary part about not having time to think is that they are more easily steered by the recommendations of the various operating departments who work in isolated silos. Information can be couched and presented in a different light to support a local cause that may not align with the companies goals.

I believe that people should be allowed to work at slightly under capacity to allow for recuperation and room for additional ideas. There are so many projects that I would like to start that will help with productivity or knowledge preservation which the department is sorely lacking. But what little I have done in my spare time, I have neither time to organize, rethink or present in a manner that will make them useful.

__________________________________________________________

A Journey of Self Searching

I'm determined to find the something that is my calling. For both me and Johnny, our material needs are easily taken care of. We know we can get by with fairly little.

This morning, I was once again trying to organize a meeting for several bigshots of the company and it really makes me depressed. Why I really hate this activity is a bit of a mystery. It's not so much that it's secretarial work but the fact that these people are just not very cooperative. Or rather their schedules are packed too tightly and we are unable to get them for urgent and important meetings. It's true that it's on short notice but there are decisions that need to be made. The company moves like an emcumbered dinosaur, where the top execs are too busy attending to every small detail that there is no time for other things. There's always meetings after meetings to attend. Everything is done in a committee form. And the departments fight among themselves to safeguard their own interests which I feel are not necessarily aligned with that of the shareholder.

So I still dunno why it pains me to do this. Maybe it's just dull work...
__________________________________________________________

I feel like myself

I've stopped playing WoW. Ever since then I've found time for many things, simple things like plain ole' introspection. With a game as engaging as WoW, where you can immerse yourself for countless hours, it is easily to do just that. Since I'm still waiting for the expansion and new things to do, we've stopped our subscription. In a stroke of divine collaboration, his graphics card died a week before it ended.

We've picked up other games but they are less demanding. I've gone back to my routine on the elliptical trainer. I wouldn't call it a workout. That would be self-deception. But in the backdrop of the sedentary lifestyle I lead, it's definitely better than nothing at all; he has also started to play basketball over the weekends. Sometimes, when you get so involved in things, it's good to take a step back and think about what you wanted to get from it and whether you were getting it. During my dark period, my attitude towards the game was deteriorating and when I had the opportunity to stop, I did.

So now I'm back to introspecting, thinking about what I want to get from life. I have no noble causes that I'm fighting for. I merely want to bring out the best in myself.

I want to find work I am passionate for, something I would do even if I weren't paid for it. It's a big cliche and it's easier said than done. But I'm trying to go with the approach of scrutinizing the little tasks that I get excited over at work. Perhaps in the end this will lead me somewhere. It's not as mechanical as algebra but I get that same feeling of exhilaration from permutating variables and identifying some logic in the madness. Yes, that one part of me that doesn't change. I am THE math nerd.

I love math, I love looking for patterns, I also love to ... improve on the interface for organizing, changing and reporting these numbers that I work with. Okay, that didn't come out right. I'm sure I'll find out why I got excited about it. Perhaps it's the notion of leaving something concrete that actually improves productivity rather than pushing paper with a ten yard stir fry stick. I've been thinking and feeling very optimistic and once again the world is my oyster (That's how the saying goes right? Somehow oyster sounds seriously nasty to me).

More importantly, I feel like I have found myself in me again. Even if I'm still lost in other respects.
__________________________________________________________

What I Want From Life (Part I)

When I was young, I wasn't sure of what I really wanted to get out of life. I wasn't even sure of what I wanted to be. Sure, I was pretty good at my studies and it gave me enjoyment. But there wasn't a specific subject that interested me. I was uninterested with the world at large and now looking back, I looked like such a blank slate, directionless and waiting for some divine inspiration to nudge me into the right place of some massive jigsaw puzzle. I didn't believe there was a god per se, but I could always hope that there would be some clear indication of what I was good at doing. I was somewhat envious of my sister who wasn't good at her studies at all but was interested in and does well in art. For her, the path is clear.

In a sense, you could say it boils down to me being good at studying because it left me little room to be pursue specializations. I was too absorbed with being good in the studies game - it was just a single track mind of being the best in school work. It's not a bad thing really, because it keeps your canvas clean for when you really want to paint on it. Studying gives you options. It defers the decision point when you dip your brush into paint and put down the first splash of character. I started fairly late when I was 16. At that point, I felt like a self has truly emerged from my chrysalis. It's when the insipid I-ate-bread-this-morning diary entries became reflections of thoughts that slowly form the basis of my personal philosophy.

Writing was such a joy and it was like I couldn't stop. I wrote many many personal letters from then. They took hours to compose but I truly enjoyed them. It was only in university, after I settle in with Johnny that they stopped. Our relationship filled up my life and ironally left me little time to reflect and record our adventures in that little suburban town. It is only now when my work has receded to being a job that I find my voice again. Dang, it's now 5:30pm and I want to rush off to a shoes warehouse sale. I'll continue this another time....let's hope I don't lose the thread of thought.

__________________________________________________________

Depressed

I was (or maybe still am) depressive. Thankfully not manic (yet). The stress and disappointment at work drove me to it though perhaps I had the tendency to view things in the worst possible light in the first place. I'm the kind of person who'd imagine that I might get knocked down by a car as I cross a street. If Johnny comes home late without telling me, I'd imagine that maybe there was an accident somewhere and he needs help. I'm horribly morbid and it certainly makes me unhappy when I think about things that way, but deep down I've thought that if I imagine the worse, I couldn't get more disappointed. Of course what this means is that I experience the mental agony and suffering even before the actual event and most of the time needlessly.

I'm just not quite the easygoing happy person I was when I was younger. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I remember when A level results were out, I was overjoyed to find that I aced the exam, but the happiness didn't last very long when I witness the disappointment of e*. I felt guilty for being happy. I was even angrier at the perfectionists who would lament loudly about the A- they got for GP and how it would mar their perfect score. How insensitive they were, I thought. I remember the star pupil in every teacher's eye and how dejected she was that she didn't get the perfection she expected and people around her saying "She is so brave/good that she is still going out for celebration lunch with us". It's certainly not the end of the world for her. I was upset for days about the way the world works, that insensitive cads would rise in power because they know how to please those around them. I'm not like them. I want people to take me for who I am, no more, no less. If no one recognizes the goodness in me, does it mean it doesn't exist? But worse still would be to sell myself out for a false notion of success. And so I continue to search for those who would embrace both the good and the bad that comes with me.

But I digress. We were talking about depression. A couple of months back, I suffered from (mild?) depression. The lack of job progression made me morose. I was disappointed. This wasn't what was promised. And I saw many of my peers move on to gain exposure in other departments while I am still stuck with the mindless number crunching and mind-reading games. It wasn't fair. Looking back, I hated the job and company since month 1. At first I thought it would get better but it doesn't. The fundamental decision making mechanism (i.e the leadership) was wrong for me. So I endured, thinking that there is an out to all this soon. But my ark never came. And so I stood awashed in my own plight, moping about how unfair my employers are to me. The depression became so paralyzing that I was unable to be productive for a period of time. I was under a lot of stress and I really just wanted to run away, disappear.

And then I slowly recognize the symptoms for what they are - I am depressed. And I talked about it to darling, I cried, I cursed, I shook my fists. It was catharthic. Slowly, I was becoming my old self. Happier, cynical and with a chip on my shoulder to boot. There's no point torturing myself with unhappy thoughts. I just totally withdrew from the company. In WoW speak, I'm afking work. Basically, if the company's input to me is too low, I'd just have to adjust my output - go home early, work slowly. I'm certainly not going to put in a lot of effort anymore. And while I'm doing that, count down the 15 months more that I need before I say an unregrettable farewell.


__________________________________________________________

Cynicism

I'm a self confessed cynic.

The Oxford English Dictionary apparently defines a cynic as showing "a disposition to disbelieve in the sincerity or goodness of human motives and actions" and a tendency "to express this by sneers and sarcasms"

Cynics are often viewed as pessimists, essentially negative people with a predelication to criticize. For me, it's a view of the world less rose-tinted glasses. I do not believe that there is only evil in the world. I merely recognize that not everyone is good and in fact most people are ignorants, braggers, liars, self-serving etc. I question the motives of people's actions. But despite all the ills I've seen in the human being, I believe that there is some good some where. I mean lookie, I've found it in myself, in my darling and those nearest and dearest to me.

Perhaps it is because of my cynicism that I find myself lamenting that I have few friends. I'm looking for inherent goodness but I haven't found enough of it. I've seen myself shy away in disgust as I discover the ugly side of people. I'm civil enough to them but it's difficult for me to respect or make effort to social with them.

What I don't get is the negativity that people associate with cynics. I'm not critical of people just for the sake of doing so. I just say things as I see it. I want truth, not truthiness. I cannot pretend with innocent wonder that everything is beautiful because it's not. I want to see a pile of garbage for what it is, not create euphemisms and window-dress it and call it art.
__________________________________________________________

Restless

I'm feeling a surge in restless energy. The need to do something important and worthwhile rather than be where I am now. On the flip side, I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up to a better world.

A lot of guild drama among the people I play with online. Sometime, I'm afraid of knowing too much about a person. Somehow, the more I know about them, the more silly I find them to be. Sometimes perhaps it's a case of cultural misinterpretation.
__________________________________________________________

Hope

It is good to dream. To continue to dream, is to live. The greater the dream, the less I dwell on the current dank darkness. It is an oasis in the slow days of ennui. And for a while you look at the little creature called hope, fed and nourished, and you have an urge to protect the fragile mewling at any costs.

__________________________________________________________

I'm a Wow Addict?

Was reading another guys WoW blog and he admitted to being a WoW addict. When I read the things that he does, I have to say that I was not much different... Does that make me an addict as well? Here's a run through of my usual weekly routine.

During workdays, I log on to the game and check my in-game auctions when I get home. After dinner, this is usually done at 8 or 9pm. My guild's raid group starts to form at 9pm. The raid will then proceed till 12 midnight, plus or minus 20 mins. Thereafter, I get ready for bed, wake up at 7:30am, go to work, come home and rinse, repeat. On tuesdays, the game server goes off for maintenance so I have some "me" time. More often than not, I waste it surfing, playing Might and Magic or perhaps occasionally doing something productive like studying.

Weekends, I spend most of my time in-game. Saturday morning is arena time with 2 or 4 other people. The rest of the day is spent either doing pvp (player vs player) or levelling my alts. At 9pm, raid starts again. Sunday, same deal except morning is spent on a 10-man dungeon, Kara (though this seems to have been called off. Most people probably don't need the stuff from there any more). I also spend one of the afternoons studying for my CFA course.

So, practically, 90% of my free time is spent on this one game. Am I addicted? I don't really think so. Johnny's in camp now, having his army reservist and I haven't been logging on for a while. I've been taking a couple of nights off from raiding here and there to take care of real life stuff for a change. I guess I conclude that I'm probably more addicted to playing together with Johnny than playing itself, though I did feel a sense of guilt for not helping my guild along.
__________________________________________________________

An Underloved Child

How fast it is, how fast... Ever since my company blocked internet access for non-work related websites, I haven't had the motivation to post. (yeah yeah, I admit they are just lame excuses really >.<) First things first, pictures of little Oreo :)


It's a new year, and my introspection as it seems come at an appropriate time. I've not been posting on the blog as much as I would like to. I would walk on the street and thought of something I wanted to record and share with my dear friends who may read this, but when I get home to a terminal, the same inspiration eludes me like running water slithering through my fingers.

I'll start first by writing about the little baby boy, Oreo. He was a gift from my sister in law in an attempt to provide companionship to my parents-in-law. But in my mind, it was a mistake. They like him but they do not love him. Me, I love dogs. I've wanted one for my own all my life but with the amount of things going on, I wasn't ready to take on the full responsibility for him. I guess you could say I wasn't willing to make sacrifices. In the first two months, I was. But when I realized that it was a one-man-show I got a little disenchanted. I bathed him, I brought him for daily walks, I went to get his food, I learned to trained him, I brushed his hair, clipped his nails. It was a lot of work. And I was proud of him initially.

But then I realized that my training was jeopardized unknowing by his parents. They would teach him things I was trying to avoid -- jumping on people, giving him random treats without any form of training whatsoever, petting him when I abandoned him for bring naughty... things like that. At one point, I just gave up. It was too difficult. Little Oreo was getting difficult to handle. He would willfully ignore my commands. He jumps on me when I sit down to play with him. He chews on my clothing, with me in it. He still bites when he's unhappy and now that he is growing, they are no longer play bites. Dealing with him became a chore. I cannot cope with a recalcitrant child that I could not teach.

I was angry that they did not love him and that they were not ready for him but they chose to bring him home anyway. I wasn't ready for him either. Or at least I wasn't ready to be his sole custodian. I had a lot asking for my time. My exercise regime fell apart after Oreo arrived; my study plans were disrupted though I'm now more or less on track. I just wasn't ready for another being that would demand a lot of my time. I wasn't able to devote myself to this demanding, little bundle of cuteness. Perhaps it is a reflection of my lack of readiness for a child. I am frustrated in part because I do not understand his needs. He is such a sweet, loving puppy but he has learnt to express himself in the wrong way. I couldn't make myself unconditionally love him and I'm sometimes stricken with guilt that I do not care about him more.

I worry that as I've withdrawn my love from him, I will do the same to my own child. I reassure myself that little children at least understands the human language and at least a communication and understanding can be achieved. But is it not a sign of bad communication if I'm reliant on only words to reach that end? Will I really be a good mother? I've told myself before that if I couldn't be good at being a mother, I would rather not have kids. And now I'm honestly not sure. When we got married, I told Johnny that I knew I wasn't ready to have children in the next two years. We've since celebrated our first anniversary but I'm not sure if we are getting closer to that end. When I do, I'll be sure to read all the self-help books during my confinement period. >.<





__________________________________________________________