Truly too little too late? or just plain whining?

There's this guy who lives in Holland V with a blog which in general was an interesting read. I've also been reading another Singaporean father's blog as well. Recently, however, they've started on this tirade over how little how late the Singapore government and corporations are doing to help the victims of the tidal wave.

Firstly it was about the the Singapore Armed Forces medical team who is on standby to fly to Indonesia with relief supplies by Thursday to provide relief to earthquake and tidal wave victims. Here was what one of them said

Excerpt from Mr. Miyagi

Why so slow? Can't we fly our vaunted medical team there first, then help evaluate what needs to be done? Surely there'll be things to do as soon as you hit the ground, no? Maid agencies here can send sacked domestic helpers back to Indonesia faster than you can blink an eye, man! Not good enough, dudes!

I find it rather naive to think that foreign medical teams can just waltz into a country like Indonesia, start taking charge and "evaluate what needs to be done". While it takes only 2 hours to deploy the medical team to Indon, gathering neccesary supplies to help the injured takes time. Without sufficient supplies, elite medical teams are not going to be of much help. Given the general mayhem, Indonesia might not even have the resources to handle these foreigners and direct them where they are most needed any earlier than Thursday. However, I have to admit that the slowness might be a valid complaint. Afterall, if you think of it more simplistically, there are people who need help and we have people who can help, then there's no reason to delay giving the help right?

What really irked me was the complaint about local "(quasi-)corporations" not donating enough.

Another excerpt from Mr. Miyagi

Some corporations, really big ones, like Pfizer, Amazon.com, Citigroup, Cisco Systems, Bristol-Myers Squibb, have rallied in response to the tsunami disaster by donating generously.

Over here, our very own very big quasi-corporation, NTUC, 'expresses her deepest heartfelt condolences to the families of victims affected by last Sunday's tsunami that struck many parts of Asia, following the earthquake off the coast of Aceh, Sumatra.

Additionally, 5,000 food relief packages worth S$50,000 and weighing some 1.5-million tonnes have been sent to Colombo, Sri Lanka by NTUC Fairprice, which is working with Mercy Relief to raise up to S$100,000 for tsunami victims. [...]

As some Singaporeans are wont to say, very big corporations here must have very good reason for not being as generous as say, Abbott Laboratories. But you know what? Right now I just feel like telling some large local corporation they're a fcuking ntuc.

Errrm hello? the corporations he quoted as being generous make a hell of a lot more money than most of Singapore's "corporations". They are also more international. It's Pfizer (world's largest drug maker), Coca Cola, Pepsi, Cisco (!!!), etc. I don't think Singapore has a single company comparable to these giants.

Yet another excerpt:

There are a lot of people and corporations who have helped, or tried to help, even if they've been a complete moron and donated a pair of high heel shoes (I read this somewhere but I can't find the link). But [...] I am not about to pat these people on the back and say well-done, especially when they can do a whole lot more. What some of these giant local corporations (quasi-corporations included) are doing right now is akin to someone witnessing a person getting seriously hurt in a car accident and then merely leaving a packet of tissue paper for the victim.

Really? Who are you to say how much people should donate? If they don't want to or cannot afford to (which is realistic given that Singapore is still recovering from the economic downturn), these companies might need the money to grow and stay competitive. Who can really say how much another person can afford to donate and should donate? Instead of scrutinizing about whether other people are doing enough, why don't people just get out there and do something about it?

I'm personally so inundated with news of people dying that I believe I've become immuned to it all. Most people are only really concerned because the proximity to sudden death reminds them of their own mortality. A lot of the sympathy is really about "It could have been me". There's nothing really wrong with that. People are generally genuinely sympathetic but to an uninvolved person, this is yet another statistic. Another blip to the daily occurences. Life goes on.

During the Sept 11th incident, Americans got really worked up; Asians were mainly apathetic (So many people died, how sad. Next). Most people on this side of the globe who do not know anyone holidaying in the disaster struck areas are still worrying about their Christmas gift returns. This is the nature of humans. It is not that we are cold-hearted. We are all merely overloaded with information. It is not possible for a person to grieve over every single tragedy big and small. So we grieve only for the ones closest to home. Just like when we are bombarded with a multitude of sounds, our brain just shuts down and focus only on the most salient ones. This is the way humans are.

Article from Reuters

NY Times calls U.S. aid for tsunami "miserly"

NEW YORK, Dec 30 (Reuters) - The promised U.S. relief for South Asia's tsunami crisis is "miserly," and a U.N. official who criticized Western nations for not giving enough aid to the needy was "right on target," The New York Times said in an editorial on Thursday.

The senior U.N. relief official who chided wealthy Western nations for being "stingy" with their aid was not "misguided and ill informed," as President George W. Bush said on Wednesday, the newspaper wrote.

U.N. emergency relief coordinator Jan Egeland made the statement in reference to general aid supplied by the wealthy countries, but later praised the rapid international response to the tsunami that hit 12 countries on Sunday.

The Times said: "We beg to differ (with Bush). Mr. Egeland was right on target."

"But the $35 million remains a miserly drop in the bucket, and is in keeping with the pitiful amount of the United States budget that we allocate for nonmilitary foreign aid.

The Times chided Bush for waiting until Wednesday to express his sympathy to leaders of India, Sri Lanka, Thailand and Indonesia for Sunday's disaster that has left an estimated 120,000 people dead and millions homeless. The president announced the increase in U.S. aid to $35 million on Wednesday, saying it was "only the beginning."

The Times added that it hoped Secretary of State Colin Powell was embarrassed to announce "the initial measly aid offer" of $15 million. "That's less than half of what Republicans plan to spend on the Bush inaugural festivities," in January.

Although many Americans believe the United States spends a great deal on foreign aid, the amount is less than one quarter of 1 percent of its budget, the newspaper noted. U.S. spending on development aid in 2003 was $16.2 billion, less than the $37.1 billion from the European Union.

The newspaper also urged Bush to make good on U.S. relief pledges and noted that U.S. relief for the Bam, Iran earthquake a year ago still has not been delivered.

Disaster Strikes at the Most Inopportuned Time

I've counted my lucky stars numerous times that Malaysia and Singapore were not close to any fault lines -- no volacones, no earthquakes, no hurricanes behind your backyard -- and are thus not subject to the whims of mother nature. I guess I was wrong. A 9.0 earthquake in the ocean sent tidal waves strong enough to kill tens of thousands, reaching even Penang and Langkawi which I had thought were safe havens from nature's wrath.

Excerpts from BBC Online

Disaster Toll
Sri Lanka: 13,000 dead
Indonesia: 4,500 dead
India: 3,500 dead
Thailand: 839 dead
Malaysia: 44 dead
Maldives: 32 dead
Burma: 30 dead
Bangladesh: 2 dead

Asia battles earthquake aftermath
Survivors and rescuers are battling the devastation left by sea surges that wiped out entire communities, killing about 23,000 people.

The death toll is still spiralling upwards and mass graves are being dug even as people hunt for the missing.

The extent of the damage is still not known in areas worst hit, including Sri Lanka, Indonesia, India and Thailand.

International aid efforts have begun amid fears that disease could spread through the disaster zone.

Survivors may have little clean water or sanitation as they try to build shelters and bury the dead after Sunday's 9.0 magnitude earthquake sent huge waves from Malaysia to Africa.

"This may be the worst natural disaster in recent history because it is affecting so many heavily populated coastal areas... so many vulnerable communities," UN emergency relief co-ordinator Jan Egeland told CNN.

In northern Indonesia, nearest to the epicentre of the undersea quake, the vice-president said he feared fatalities in the worst-hit province of Aceh could rise as high as 20,000. [...]

Aftershocks

The number of dead has also soared well into the thousands in Sri Lanka and India, and thousands more may have been killed on the Andaman and Nicobar islands where reports say entire communities were swept into the sea.

Packed holiday resorts in Thailand were also badly hit, and the waves killed people in Malaysia, the Maldives, Burma and Bangladesh.

Thousands are missing and many more thousands forced from their homes by the worst earthquake in 40 years that generated a wall of water speeding across the oceans.

Hundreds of fishermen are feared drowned off the coast of Somalia, officials said.

Aftershocks have also been detected, sparking warnings from Indian and Sri Lankan weather officials of further, smaller surges, also known as tsunamis.

Sri Lankan rescue workers have been combing the coastline by ship, plane and helicopter, searching for survivors and pulling the dead from the water.

About a million are now homeless. [...]

In Thailand, bodies were still being taken to makeshift morgues in the resort of Phuket.

Many are said to be clad in swimsuits, with people dragged to their deaths as the tsunami smashed into beaches without warning. [...]

Sunday's tremor - the fifth strongest since 1900 - had a particularly widespread effect because it seems to have taken place just below the surface of the ocean, analysts say.

Experts say tsunamis generated by earthquakes can travel at up to 500km/h.

No more Toys "R" Us

I don't wanna grow up
I'm a Toys R Us kid
They've got a million toys at Toys R Us
That I can play with
From bikes to trains to video games
It's the biggest toy store there is
I don't wanna grow up, because if I did
I wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid.
More games, more toys. (Oh boy!)
I wanna be a Toys R Us Kid

When I was a wee kid of 12, going to Toys "R" Us was one of my biggest dreams. Being able to run amok along the aisles and aisles of toys and pick anything I want was probably my deathbed wish at that time. The Toys "R" Us store was in Subang and since we lived a good 45 minutes to an hour away, I never got to prowl those fantasy aisles. The first Toys "R" Us I ever visited was in Singapore. e* wanted to go buy a toy for her JC classmate so we visited this dinghy one that was located along Orchard Road. The ceilings were grey from age and the once pristine tiles worn from the years of ponding feet. Still, Toys "R" Us remained to me what a child's paradise should be.

Recently however, there has been news that Toys "R" Us has fallen from grace. Once the biggest toy store with a leading market share of 20%, it is now lagging behind mass retailers like Walmart and Target. It has supposedly indicated in August that it may sell its toy division in favor of concentrating on it faster growing baby supplies division, Babies "R" Us. What? How could Toys "R" Us no longer sell toys? This is outrageous. It's like Coca Cola selling their soft drinks division and concentrate on selling napkins instead.

Recently, I've been walking the Target toy sections but can't really seem to relive the joy and excitement of browsing toys anymore. It could be the trend where most toys are based off some movie like Lord of the Rings is putting me off. The Bratz dolls and alien-teletubby look-alike toys aren't making it more appealing either. Or as I've said before, it could be that I've grown old. No more Toys "R" Us kid for me. :(

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everybody. Haven't been feeling motivated to blog recently. Life is enjoyable but nothing really out of the ordinary is happenning. Most of the time, darling and I are playing on the MUD. I figured nobody is really is interest in my game achievements.

Anyhow, have a happy Christmas everyone. Enjoy the well earned holiday!

Beamers

I can be so silly sometimes. As I've mentioned before, I play this MUD. And now I'm beaming so happily that my cheeks are aching just because I did this special quest and got an item nobody has. I think it's really the collector in me: instead of stickers, erasers and stamps, I now collect virtual equipment.

When I'm happy like that, I beam like a silly cow.

Darling is off grading some finals. He had to choose to grade the hardest question of them all. So I can't share the beamer-worthy news. *beams happily*

Wheee it's over!

Haha my finals lasted all of 20 minutes. For an exam scheduled for 2 and 1/2 hours (standard exam slot), it had 10~15 MCQs (MCQs!!! Haven't seen them for a while) and three short questions. Yups only three of those and they were really short too.

Heh heh shouldn't have bothered reading all those notes.

The horrors of bad english

Talking about the things that girls do to their hair --> "blowjobs on wet/dry hair and styling"

Horrible images swim in my head.
My cheeks are aching from laughing too much.

White Christmas

This winter turned out to be really warm. So far, it has snowed about three times and everytime, the snow melted within a day. No snow storm overnight like last year (and no power outtages as well). No calf height snow to trudge through. For once, Christmas here might not be very white.

Had to send the car for some transmissions related repairs. That was a pretty ouchful US$320 but at least the little baby is okay. Pretty reluctant to shell out another $300~$400 for snow tires though so we'd probably not be going out much over winter. Which means I'll be stocking up on food soon and start the hibernation!!

Heh heh darling keeps asking me what I'd like for Christmas but I honestly can't think of anything I really care about. A quiet dinner at home sounds like a pretty good plan.

It's funny thinking about how I've changed. When I was younger, I've always wistfully think about celebrating Christmas -- throwing parties, decorating the Christmas tree, exchanging beautifully wrapped presents... A lot of things I've wanted to do has melded into the shadows, no longer consequential. If I had known, I'd become a docile little housekeeper 6/7 years back, I'd be astounded. But back then, I also didn't know the blissfulness nor contentment I know now.

Somehow I feel more certain about my future. Not so much about what I'd do but just confident that the future will be good and full of joy regardless of whatever I chose to do. I feel that I can trust myself to overcome whatever obstacles that fly by my way, to make the right decisions when the need arises. It's a good feeling to have. :)

Unlucky Feet

I've been really feet unlucky of late. First I stubbed my big toe and broke a big chunk of the nail. Then I kicked some rock as I was walking. There was bleeding under the nail and now I have an ugly patch of blood clot on that toe. Hmmm it might just be the same toe too! And then a couple of days ago, I was running to the bathroom and kicked my little toe. The skin right below the toe split and I now have a plaster over it. Bah me and my horrible feet luck. I have a lucky halflings foot! Or rabbit foot. Or whatever.

Laptops a Hot Fertility Issue

Interesting story about laptops and fertility.

Men who regularly balance their laptop computers on their laps when working may be jeopardizing their ability to have children, according to a new study from fertility researchers at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.

The potential risk comes from the heat generated by the laptop computer and the close position of one's thighs when balancing the computer on one's lap, the researchers found. This heat is transferred to the scrotum, where the temperature can rise several degrees, putting users within the danger zone for testicular dysfunction. [...]

Scientists have known for years that an increase of even 1 degree Celsius in testicular or scrotal temperature can decrease the production of healthy sperm by as much as 40 percent. In the Stony
Brook study, researchers found that test subjects who sat for an hour with running laptops on their laps had a median increase in scrotal temperature of 2.6 to 2.8 degrees Celsius.

The 29 volunteers, aged 21 to 35, were also asked to sit with their thighs together for an hour without a laptop. This resulted in a median increase in scrotal temperature of 2.1 degrees, suggesting that the act of balancing a laptop computer is just as much to blame as the
heat generated by it.

The most hilarious line in the whole article though, has to be this:

The tests did not measure the volunteers' actual sperm production.

First it was handphones in the pocket, now it's laptops. Heh heh Singapore might need to ban both to give the population a hand in acheiving their baby targets :P

Smoker's are dumb!

I've always thought that smokers are dumb. Apparently, now it's official. Or at least according to this study.

Excerpt:

Researchers from the Universities of Aberdeen and Edinburgh looked at how the cognitive abilities of smokers and non-smokers changed over time.

They found smokers performed significantly worse in five separate tests. [...]

It would appear that the well-worn cliché that 'smoking stunts your growth' may be true when it comes to intellectual development Amanda Sandford, Action on Smoking and Health. [...]

Current or former smokers were found to perform less well in the tests even after factors such as childhood IQ, education, occupation and alcohol consumption were taken into account.

The effect appeared to be stronger in current smokers according to the study, which was also published in the journal Addictive Behaviors. The researchers suggest a "small but significant" negative effect of 4% linked to the combined effects of smoking and impaired lung function - itself linked to smoking.

It has been suggested in previous studies that there could be a link between impaired lung function and a negative effect on the thinking processes, but it is not clear what the mechanism for that might be.

Dr Lawrence Whalley of the University of Aberdeen, who led the research, said the explanation could be that smoking causes oxidative stress - cumulative damage caused by molecules called "free radicals" - to organs including the brain.

"Ageing neurons are very sensitive to oxidative damage."

The Nerd Theory

I've always thought of the whole idea of popularity was something not so smart people come up with the differentiate themselves. If you know you can't be the best at studying, why not invent some concept that you can be good at? This guy's theory presented an interesting alternative: nerds are unpopular because they don't care about being popular. Being of the nerd school, I'd say it's pretty interesting.

Excerpt:

I know a lot of people who were nerds in school, and they all tell the same story: there is a strong correlation between being smart and being a nerd, and an even stronger inverse correlation between being a nerd and being popular. Being smart seems to make you unpopular.

Why? [...] Being smart doesn't make you an outcast in elementary school. Nor does it harm you in the real world. Nor, as far as I can tell, is the problem so bad in most other countries. But in a typical American secondary school, being smart is likely to make your life difficult. Why?

The key to this mystery is to rephrase the question slightly. Why don't smart kids make themselves popular? If they're so smart, why don't they figure out how popularity works and beat the system, just as they do for standardized tests?

The answer, I think, is that they don't really want to be popular.

If someone had told me that at the time, I would have laughed at him. Being unpopular in school makes kids miserable, some of them so miserable that they commit suicide. Telling me that I didn't want to be popular would have seemed like telling someone dying of thirst in a desert that he didn't want a glass of water. Of course I wanted to be popular.

But in fact I didn't, not enough. There was something else I wanted more: to be smart. Not simply to do well in school, though that counted for something, but to design beautiful rockets, or to write well, or to understand how to program computers. In general, to make great things.

At the time I never tried to separate my wants and weigh them against one another. If I had, I would have seen that being smart was more important. If someone had offered me the chance to be the most popular kid in school, but only at the price of being of average intelligence (humor me here), I wouldn't have taken it. [...]

And that, I think, is the root of the problem. Nerds serve two masters. They want to be popular, certainly, but they want even more to be smart. And popularity is not something you can do in your spare time, not in the fiercely competitive environment of an American secondary school.

Alberti, arguably the archetype of the Renaissance Man, writes that "no art, however minor, demands less than total dedication if you want to excel in it." I wonder if anyone in the world works harder at anything than American school kids work at popularity. Navy SEALs and neurosurgery residents seem slackers by comparison. They occasionally take vacations; some even have hobbies. An American teenager may work at being popular every waking hour, 365 days a year.

White Hair

Did I also mention that I saw two white hair at the top of my crown the other day?
TWO!!!
Bleargh.

x_x

This week will be the death of me. Gah, and this are just the projects.
Finals are coming next week.
Can't wait for winter break.

Old Wife's Tale

Read on the New York Times that pregnant women should avoid cats. The article was saying that while it sounds like one of those old wife's tale, this claim is actually scientific because cats can carry a disease that pregnant women are exceptionally susceptible to. I got a bit curious and decided to hunt around for other old wife's tale.

And here, in exact replication, are some of the more interesting ones I've found. According to the mole one, I'm supposed to have a "warm, enthusiastic temperament" and I'll also be prosperous with a happy marriage.

Excerpts from Old Wife's Tale regarding pregnancy

Another old wives tale was that a woman could expect to lose a tooth for each child born. Today's hygiene and dietary thoughts help to forestall this possible dental problem. Yet even today, it is known that pregnancy does affect and weakens women's teeth and so this old wives tale is not mere child's play but has some basis in truth.

One peculiar superstitious thought was that a pregnant woman should not look at a hare. This chance meeting could have the child risk being born with a deformity. Yes, it is not a pun but hair lip was felt to be one of the deformities that could result. The Elephant Man's grossly deformed body had originally been diagnosed to been a result of his mother being frightened by an elephant at a zoo during her pregnancy; hence his nickname.

Edit: Old Wife's Tale info regarding divination significance of moles, which was replicated here has been removeded due to kill the spaminess it resulted. Go to the link to read the specifics :)

Stresss Makes You Old

Now we know why all the mountain folk can live to 100++ years. I'd be surprised if there's any life less stressful. Heh heh the next big beauty product would be relaxation packages. If you're gonna pay a couple of hundred on anti-aging cream, you might as well spend the same amount at a spa for the same effect. The next time you give yourself a break, think of it as an investment to your health. *wink*

Excerpt from NYT: Too Much Stress May Give Genes Gray Hair

[A] team of researchers has found that severe emotional distress - like that caused by divorce, the loss of a job, or caring for an ill child or parent - may speed up the aging of the body's cells at the genetic level. [...]

The researchers found that blood cells from women who had spent many years caring for a disabled child were, genetically, about a decade older than those from peers who had much less caretaking experience. The study, which appears in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, also suggests that the perception of being stressed can add years to a person's biological age. [...]

He said the research provided some of the clearest evidence yet "of the price in wear and tear on the tissues that everybody pays during a stressful life."

"And we know as we get older," Dr. McEwen continued, "we have a greater tendency to put on fat, to develop heart disease and diabetes." [...]

"When people are under stress, they look haggard, it's like they age before your eyes, and here's something going on at a molecular level" that reflects that impression, said Dr. Blackburn, a professor of biochemistry and biophysics.

Forgettable

Haha, today is his birthday and we both forgot about it until his friend shouted Happy B'day to him on ICQ. Kinda like the way we forgot about our 2nd or was it 3rd anniversary until 4 days later. We're both so horrible with dates.

We must be oddest most uncouple couple. We don't exchange gifts nor celebrate "special" couple days. But we trade lots of hugs and kisses even after 3 ++ years of being together. Somebody commented in her blog some time ago that the way her friend kept stroking his girlfriend's arm/ hair over dinner was a sure sign of a new couple. She must have been sad. That, or she don't know what she's missing.

All good again (sort of)

Darling is all good now!

Prelims wasn't all that great but at least it's over. Time for some pampering!

I miss him

Even though he's really right beside me, or just in the next room, I miss having him energetic and happy.
I miss having him do all those little distracting things I usually wave aside.
I miss having him frequently ask for hugs and kisses.
I feel slightly emotionally crippled. Maybe because I'm tired. Yesterday's sleep was short and fitful because he woke up repeatedly during the night. I keep having to take cat naps during the day to get enough energy to study. And when I wake up, I have the sensation of being jarred back into reality.
I wish I had more time to take care of him.
If this is how I react when my darling is sick, I don't think I'm ever ready for kids.

Falling

My darling's sick and I'm falling into pieces.

Blogger Ate my Last Post!!!

Well yeah it did. First time it has happened but frustrating nontheless.
The next few weeks will be hectic what with the end of semester rush to finish projects. So posts will be even more sparse than this recent week :(

Yesterday, I was at PMall. The after Thanksgiving crowd was amazing. The queues were longer than normal and everybody was holding on to some purchase of some kind. It's been said that Thanksgiving marks the beginning of Christmas shopping. Whoever said it was stating the obvious. There were kids everywhere, clutching their new-found treasures. Is there pre-Christmas gift giving going on? It's like everyone is on some mad shopping spree. An inner shopping demon released in each on of them.

There was a santa booth near the foodcourt and kids would clamber on the lap of this guy in a Santa suit, all padded up and bearded. Wonder how many times he cursed inwardly when some would puke/ urinate on him? Some lady was taking pictures of kids with Santa with a poloroid camera. Good emotional push there to make parents fork out money so they can get pics of their kids with santa.

A couple of girl scouts set up booths to sell cookies in the mall. They actually package them into nice paper boxes but I don't know the commercial look of it kinda puts me off. Did girl scouts actually bake them? Or did some cookie machine in a factory bake them? Judging from the lack of overwhelming response, I'm guessing the Atkin's dieters have made a significant dent in their sales.

Christmas is definitely upon us. I'm surprised that the choral groups haven't started singing their Christmas carols yet and there were no jingly jangly Christmas songs blaring from the store speakers as well. Well, even more surprising was that I walk away from the mall with nothing new in tow.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Thanksgiving is the equivalent of Chinese New Year's eve. Americans across the country gather with their families for reunion dinner. It's the day of roast turkeys and roast turkeys and .... more roast turkeys. Last year, we joined the Singaporeans for Thanksgiving dinner. (Or was that 2 years ago)The turkey was kinda dry and the gravy sparse; stuffings aren't really my kind of thing -- too much starch; the alcohol was cheap ( I wasn't exactly expecting pricey vintage wine. Anyway, most alcohol taste horrible to me. Even champagne tasted bad. :( ) I guess it was never really about the food. Unlike Chinese.

Break Time

Thanksgiving break is here!!!

(Well technically two more classes and one more homework to go. Plus homework and a prelim due after the break)

From exercising to needles

Bah I just found out today that the track at barton is only 200m per lap. And I thought I was running 400m. Man, I'm seriously unfit. I ran a total of 1080m. That's the total mind you, not what I ran in one stretch. I was pretty much pooped after about 2 1/2 laps. Oh well, at least I actually ran. It has been really irritating when doctors commented that I should exercise more when they try to locate my vein
for blood samples. That happenned twice. Sheesh can't you appreciate girls with some meat? Must be the prevalence of those anorexic types in Singapore.

Blood tests have always make me nervous. First there's the problem of locating my vein. The nurse or doctor would smack the tender inner arm furiously, trying to make the vein visible. It's like a screwed up gopher game -- instead of whopping the gopher that pops his cute little head out, you whoop the arm till the veins pop out. After the good arm exercise I give the nurse or doctor, they have the luxury of piercing my now variegated skin with a hollowed needle. Until now, I still squeeze my eyes tight when the doctor whips out a needle. Yes, even when I'm not the intended victim.

My first time was when first got to Singapore. I was nervous. I was so nervous that the blood gushed out and splattered the whole tube. I was rewarded by having to do it again. Actually I don't see what's wrong with blood geysering out. The whole tube was going to be filled up anyway. Maybe this is their way of providing disincentives to nervous patients.

Mudding

Been really tired this whole week. Not much sleep and quite a bit of stress. Esp over my entrepreneuship group project. Oh well, we'll see how it goes. Part of the lack of sleep can be attributed to the fact that I MUD.

Crash course on MUDding. MUD stands for Multi- User Domain. They are usually text based adventure games. Pretty much like an MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Role Playing Game) without fancy graphics. Imagination provides far better graphics than current technology for MMORPGs can anyway.

Taken from Wikipedia,

"(In a MUD),Players assume the role of a character, and see textual descriptions of rooms, objects, other characters, and computer-controlled creatures or non-player characters (NPCs) in a virtual world. They may interact with each other and the surroundings by typing commands that resemble plain English.

Traditional MUDs implement a fantasy world populated by elves, goblins, and other mythical beings with players being knights, sorcerers, and the like. The object of the game is to slay monsters, explore a rich world and complete quests. "

To sum it up, it's a nerd thing. MUDders are pretty much a dying breed. In the MUD I play, racewars and player killing are the main features. The races are divided into the good and evil. Close to 100 people at any one time are sitting at their PCs typing furiously, cursing when they die and rejoice when they loot the corpse of the opposing race. A lot of people MUD because they enjoy playing with some of the others whom they have come to know. I dislike quite a lot of them actually. To me, this is like an RPG that I can play together with darling. I'm probably also satisfying my dragoness cravings -- I have a tendency to gather hoardes of equipment.

As I've somewhat hinted, some of the players can be real dinks. There's this guy, he's self-centred and basically a big bully. But he knows how to lead some difficult zones. So I heard. I've never followed him around before so I wouldn't know. What surprises me though is not only the number of people willing to put up with his boorish attitude, but the people who started justifying their own behaviour and started saying that he is actually not a bad type. Suuuuuure. Whatever. I'm not going near that shit with a 10-foot pole. The MUD is such a accurate reflection of people it's sometimes scary. Perhaps it's because most people are anonymously behind their PCs, allowing them to exhibit behaviour they would normally curb because it looks "bad". Plus doing something like climbing the MUD "ladder" doesn't seem quite as ack-ifying as climbing the corporate ladder. Sure, we all wish for respect from people we meet but I wouldn't pander to people I dislike so I could be in a band of so called elites.

Hmmm so judging from my MUD behavior, I have an aversity to interacting with people; I don't care about being the creme de la creme (well at least not in a text based game!); I like to hoarde; I'm more insecure than I think. Well,except for the hoarding part, the rest sounds pretty accurate :P Haha so keep your trinkets safe before I release the dragoness within me and take them all away.

Withdrawals

4 days away from my blog and I'm starting to experience verbal diarrhea. Firstly, ten thousand interesting things are begging to be said. Well at least they sounded interesting to my abused and traumatized, steamrolled- by- exams brain.

As I was typing out an email to my team members, I noticed how verbose it was. Part of the email was regarding our meeting with the advisor today. One of the team couldn't make it so I was providing an update (almost blow by blow) The summary of the 45 minutes meeting grew too long for an email so I had to put it in a word document. Then I was outlining what I think we should be working on and that became another mini essay in it's own right. I even wrote in point form. Dang it! I can only conclude that the few days of thinking in math and formula speak has resulted in withdrawal symptoms -- namely one excessive verbosity. Maybe not so much verbosity, I just seem to have lots of things to say. Wait, that's the same thing... errrm.... yeah.... it's good wordiness not bad. Like "good" cholestrol instead of "bad". Well, guess who's going to be working hard on the written part of our project? Might as well put this wayward talent to use.

Highlight of the week:
At the end of one of my prelims, the fire alarm went off. For a full 10 seconds, the students froze in their scribblings like deers caught in headlights and the prof looked stupendously at nothing. Nobody did anything. We stared at the professor and he stared back. It was actually quite a cinematic moment. Luckily, there was only 5 minutes of the exam left so he asked us to scribble down what we think we would have done, promising to curve the grades up a little.

I haven't read the time traveller's wife yet since I didn't have a chance to drop by at the library. I'm now reading A Thousand Orc by RA Salvatore. Been reading a lot of his books with the drow Drizzt Du'orden over the summer. Under the influence of darling, I've been reading a lot of fantasy books. But I've always enjoyed the fantasy genre just that I never knew what to read nor the time to do so. Next up, I'll talk about my MUD obsession :P After dinner maybe.

Akindled Passions

I was about to start on my homework when I saw a lined sheet of paper with my scrawl. It was something I wrote while sitting in class on Friday (obviously not paying attention) and I started thinking about what plot I could possibly use for my novel. Well, actually I thought about it on my way to class and when I was in class, I figured I shoud write it down before I forget. The theme was change - how different people view and handle change, about whether change is good. As a member of the movers club, I've been through three different countries and cultures. Going from not-very-swinging single to firmly attached was a significant change as well. I feel like I can actually write this book. Now I just have to think of a plot. And characters. And setting. Which is basically everything. Hrrrm. Doesn't sound that promising but I'm feeling optimistic about it somehow *beam*

The other thing I wrote was some ideas on how to formulate my MEng project as a simulation model. I didn't realize until now that I'm really looking forward to working on it. That I thought about it at the same time I worried about one of my greater passions, writing, was significant. At the very least, I liked my team members. I actually feel like I can trust them which is a far cry from my other group last year.

Well, probably won't be posting until Wednesday. Two prelims and a problem set between Monday to Wednesday. More of my quantity-not-quality ramblings later.

I celebrate my sensibleness

I almost bought something today. It was a styling set with 3 different ConAir brushes, a wide tooth comb, a pair of flat hair clips, a pair of crocodile jaw clips, some hairties and a cheap plastic vanity mirror -- all in an attractive millenium metallic blue. When I saw it, I felt like I just needed to try out the different types of brushes: the round spiked mace looking one; the flat, oval based, shaped for spanking one and something that was in between.

My mind started ticking away the moment I laid my eyes on it.

"I could use the wide tooth comb for after I've washed my hair. I'm already losing enough hair from lack of sleep. Not gonna lose more to a brush"

"Those hair clips are too chunky. The matte color won't look good on my hair either. Will have to write those off"

"Hmm, the jaws hairclips look kinda cute. But too big/ugly to wear out of the house. Might not even be comfortable wearing in the house. NEXT!!!"

"Elastic hairties. Could always use more of those. Wonder if they are ouchless. Hate it when I pull my hair removing elastics."

"The metallic blue is just so irresistable"

"Well, it's only $7.99... This could be my Christmas present. Nevermind the fact that I never care about nor have XMas presents"

So I hung on to the box and it's ribbon trimmings. Until darling commented, "Hey, it's made in China" Well most things in the US are made in China so there's no reason to balk at that comment but I did. Images of the crudely made souvenirs and jade passing off as "genuine oriental flavor" in Chinatown popped up. Somehow the matte metallic blue looked tacky and it failed the "Would I bring this home (aka Singapore/Malaysia)" test. In fact, it would be one of those things that get junked without third thought (second thoughts might be about how I've only used this for 6 months) One of the good things about moving around is that you're forced to keep only things you really value. And since there are no room for junk, it's good motivation to curb impulse buys. Like this one.

So in the end, I put the box down. I instantly felt great for not frivolously spending the money. You know when you buy something you really like, you feel happier as time passes by as you validate your purchase. In a similar manner, I'm feeling darn good right now for NOT purchasing it.

For the past month, I've been basking in the afterglow of my various purchases only to find out today that I can derive the same amount of pleasure from abstaining. Interesting.

However, I'm still somewhat miffed at the less than pristine reputation that sensibleness has. People have the impression that being sensible equates to being boring. If I think smoking is disgusting/ irresponsible/ reprehensible, am I being boring by not doing it? Would doing something I obviously do not want to do make me an interesting person? If there was something I truly, really wanted to do and I didn't do it because I thought it was "sensible", I'd be pretty stupid. In many cases, people think of being sensible as doing things that they think other people think is right. That I believe is trying to exonerate yourself from the responsibility of making the decision, blaming it on an external factor like the virtual societal pressure. To me, being sensible is about doing things my way, the way that makes sense,both logically and emotionally.

NaNoWriMo Part Deux

I didn't explain NaNoWrimo in my last post. It's short for National Novel Writing Month. It's a month where people who ever had thoughts about writing a novel join a competition to write 50,000 words in one month. Namely in November. The prize for winning is that you have written a book. The whole writing thing is about quantity not quality. It jolly well could just be writing a bunch of nonsense for one whole month, averaging 1,633 words a day. It's just suppose to get people started. It's for people like me who would say "Some day, I'd write a novel". What they are trying to get people like me to think is "Why not today?"

I'm a horrible procrastinator. I also have an inability to make myself do things I don't really want to do even if I have to do it. Inability is probably too strong a word since I've actually done those things. Melodrama at work. Lack of talent is probably more like it. Most things don't get done unless I have to. Sometimes, there is this surge of enthusiasm in me and I'd start cleaning/ cooking/ washing up/ emailing people... nothing that is really sustainable. Sometimes I wish has more willpower. Most of the times I can't be bothered. I'm happy as I am -- whimsical.

Well, at any rate, I'm not really ready for the whole writing thing this year. Next year, I promise I'd try. Meanwhile, I'll hunt for a plot and some potential casts to my story.

NaNoWriMo

My new nickname in the house is bloggerbot. I'm a bot that blogs.
Johnny is the graderbot ("Graderbot, online). He's a bot that grades.
Moocow is the softtoybot. He's a bot that softtoys.
We are family of bots. People who bot-ify ourselves.
Not really.
I'm just being.... retarded.
Thinking of doing the NaNoWrimo.
But I'm already 10 days into November.
Can I really do 50,000 * 20/30 words in the remainder of the month?
Maybe.
Am I ready to do that?
Not really
So should I try anyway?
I guess.

I'm such a procrastinator.

In Memory of Days Warmer

Overnight, all the remnants of summer had been stored away. Even the most stoic had discarded their handy flip flops and opted for something closed-toed. The goose-down jackets were whipped out in preference to the lighter summer coats. Suddenly, winter was here. In this ulu (translate: faaaar away from civilization) little college town, there are only two seasons: winter and not winter. And now that not winter is gone.

In preparation for my return in under a year, I've stopped looking at warm clothing altogether. Looking at the things I've accumulated so far, I'm gonna have some trouble bringing them back. Somehow it's Singapore all over again, an enforced spring cleaning that makes you evaluate all your belongings, give them some value and then discard the ones at the bottom of that list. Thinking about it alone gives me a headache. In the same thread of thought, I was reminded of the fact that I'd need to find a place to stay in Singapore as well. That's like a whole new headache altogether. Suddenly I'm really not looking forward to graduating.

On a different note, I'd be going to Phoenix in January to look at our clients repairshop. My feelings are rather ambivalent at the moment.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

The very first snow of the academic year is here. The bulk of it melted within an hour leaving only a thin veneer of white powder. We drove down to turn in my homework which I had forgotten was due today until this morning. Well, at least I'm forced to finish it so I have less work left for the week now. If only I screw up the motivation to finish the rest...

I've become a lot more health conscious lately. Somewhat regularly exercising, cooking with olive oil, drinking low fat milk (lots and lots of it), using moisturizer with SPF... haha well, prevention is definitely better than cure. Won't really want to end up being those old ladies buying really expensive anti-aging cream in desperation. No real cure for wrinkles anyway. Nopes, Botox doesn't count. I'm determined to grow old graciously and accept my age whatever it is. Clinging on to youth that isn't there anymore is way too silly for someone old. Their immaturity makes me wonder what the hell they've been doing all these years besides seeking an elusive perfect self. Don't even get me started on women who need plastic surgery to feel more confident. If you really hate yourself so much you'd rather look like something else, I don't think you need surgery, you need to see a shrink.

Hrrrm, for that matter, most of you should have noticed that I've been a lot more fashion conscious as well. Not fashion in the I- must- follow- the- lastest- fads- and- get- those- bloody- overpriced- Manolo- Blahniks- and- Prada items. Just more interested in clothing and accessories than previously. I guess it's a result of the imminent work life. It appears that I'm preparing myself for the next phase of life. Or could it be I'm turning into a *gasp* girl? Whatever. I'm enjoying myself so it doesn't matter why or how. As long as I don't turn into one of those credit card swiping, debt- laden kids who spend way way beyong their means.

Insomnia

Wednesday night: Slept at 1am. Woke up at 8am
Thursday night: Slept at 1am. Woke at 8:30am
Friday night: Slept at 2am. Woke up at 7:30 am

Not much of a pattern there but I'm definitely losing sleep. And all that is voluntary. I'd wake up, lie in bed with my eyes wide open for all of 5 minutes then decide I can't fall back asleep and hop out. This is making me grumpy.

Evolution

Check out www.bugmenot.com if you are sick and tired of registering for websites to access content (like the dumb ole straits times)

It's Friiiiday! The chill has finally caught up with the reddening trees. The past two days were colder than ever and there didn't seem to be heat in the house. I had to pad around in my black cotton pants, a t-shirt and my hoodie, instead of my usual semi-dressed state. I hope the landlord didn't decide to turn off the heat in a stroke of genius to reduce utilities.

Sometimes people do the most redundant things subconsciously. We are such imperfectly inefficient creatures. I wonder how anyone can think homo sapiens are the elite of the earth's creatures. It was raining hard yesterday when I walked to C.town Bagels to meet Johnny for lunch. I clung on to Johnny's flimsy aluminium silver umbrella as the wind tore at it. I switched between hands to give the hand holding the umbrella and thus exposed to the deadly chill some respite. Two Asian girls were walking towards me. They were chattering away rapidly in what in my mind translated as Korean or Japanese. I couldn't understand what they were saying. Not exactly. But it's amazing how universal the distress call of a damsel can be -- the increase in verbel velocity, the frantic flick of her hand across the chic brown leather bag and her brows furrowed towards it. The act of backhanding the raindrops from her bag was so earnest yet so futile.

We're a race surviving on our intelligence. The brain singularly consumes more energy than any other part of the body. It uses up a significant portion of the energy we gather each day. (Maybe the next revolution of dieting is to stimulate brain growth!) We're born defenseless and stay defenseless for a long period of time. We have no natural weapon besides a sometimes sharp wit. We built our empires on knowledge. Yet, there it was, that hint of inefficiency. As a race, our evolutionary path should be selection of the more intelligent. Either that, or start growing claws and bigger teeth. Or at least longer and faster limbs.

Somehow, it appears that our own intelligence is hindering that evolution. University degree holders marry later and have fewer fertile years; well-educated career women do not have as much time to nurture their offspring. On the other hand, a stay-at-home mum has more time to take care of the kids, making them less likely to be screwed up; Intelligent people who are more likely to succeed spend a lot of energy being successful but it does not mean they will procreate more than less intelligent people; The hoi polloi will cry foul at what they construe as social engineering but shouldn't our goal as a race be to ensure its continuation? As we stay stagnant or even regress with our cries for equality (for who?), could other more single-tracked and efficient species one day overcome us? Fortunately, not within my age but that's really just trying to exonerate myself from my duties as a human being. So does that make me more amenable to procreation? No sir-ee!

Directing Anger

Something from Self magazine, October 2004 issue:
"A new study finds that knowing when to vent (and when not to) may make you less stressed."
Okay makes some sense so far.

"Your guide: Someone cuts in front of you at the grocery checkout. ZIP IT"
Snort of disbelief. Let's read the rest of it before outrage takes over.

"In general, blowing up at a stranger is a bad idea, says Pam Brill, author of The Winner's Way (McGraw Hill). Not only do you not know how she will react, but you also don't know the reason she is rushing. (Wouldn't you feel bad if it's because she has a sick baby at home?) Instead of griping, grab a glossy and chill"

My take on this: Firstly, it is not correct to cut someone elses line. Period. Secondly, it is downright rude (somewhat akin to spitting into someone's eye) to cut a queue without asking first. Maybe you do have a sick baby (note: sick babies should be taken to a clinic, sick babies should not be left at home alone and sick babies left at home are not dying babies who can't wait 2 minutes more. Also sick babies do not deserve a rude and self-centred parent), or you have to catch a flight, or you have to buy that bottle of spagetti sauce or you'd drop dead. Whatever the reason, I'm sure you can spare the 2 seconds to tell the person you're cutting in front "I'm sorry. I'm in a rush and I'm about to pee in my pants. Is it okay if I go ahead of you?"

By keeping quiet, we're condoning what they do, sending signals to queue cutters that it's okay to do so. I mean, they have to wait in line for a shorter time and no downside at all to it ("not like it'll appear in my testimonial/report card/transcript"), so why the hell not? Some people might not even be aware that they have done something wrong. So by telling them off, you might be doing a service to others who are suffering in silence. I'm not saying make a scene, scream at the guy and give him hell in general. I usually prefer the more unoffensive way which starts with an "Excuse me, but ".

Some of these people can be pretty thick-skinned and I find them usually self-centred. If I made them unhappier by forcing them to lie or find a lame excuse for what they did, I hope that I have discouraged them from doing what they did a second time. Like the dumb CS100M consultant who ALWAYS sits at the PC with the scanner in the computer lab on Fridays. Usually, there are notes telling people to NOT use those PCs unless they need the scanner or the lab is full. In two consecutive Fridays, I found him sitting there when I needed it. So I asked him nicely, "Do you need to use the scanner? Coz I need to scan some pics." He had to gall to ask me, "Oh do you have many to scan?" and then vacated his seat. However, he left all his personal items at the PC, expecting me to scan my pics and then scram. So after a few irritated minutes of scanning, I stood up and told him that he should not have used this PC in the first place. He defended himself by saying when he came the lab was full. Well, it isn't now!!!! And it's somewhat dubious that he always comes into the crowded lab and voila! there's one space left and it's the one with the scanner. Well, seeing him all apologetic and awkward pretty much made my day.

Yesterday, we had a team meeting for the MEng project. Some measly little OR580 people were in our meeting room, so we opened the door and told them "Sorry, we've booked this room". One of the guys got up and said "oh okay. Is there any other empty room around?" He walked past me out of the door and said "Next door's empty, could you guys use that instead?" We relented given that there were three of us and we decided to be nice. But that made me pretty ticked off so I retorted "Next time, make sure you book the room". I mean the gall!!! If you are using someone elses resources and caught red-handed, you should jolly well apologize and scoot off ASAP. Not ask the owners to find an alternative. So what if you had 2 laptops plugged to the wall. Are 2 laptops too much for 4 guys to carry to the room 3 steps away? Learn some courtesy, boy! Next time I wouldn't let you off so easily.

At any rate, I've felt pretty good about voicing my thoughts instead of keeping them inside and building this volcano of anger towards humanity. So onward with the verbal abuse of people who treads on my toes.

Idiot Count: Idiots told off so far -- 3 (imagine a Mac's "Hamburgers made" boards they used to have outside their chain)

I've been conspired against!!!

*waaaaah* I was going to bid on this Victoria Secret bra in luscious rose. Being the "savvy" ebayer that I am, I was going to snipe it to increase my chances. For those not familiar with the eBay lingo, sniping is to place a bid seconds before the auction ends. And to my dismay, as I clicked on the "Place a Bid" button, a horrible death sentence announced to me in the form of a pop-up text box initiated by Mozilla -- "The document has no data" What what whaaaaaaat? Another furiously click on the refresh button followed by the "Place a Bid".... the same window appeared. How can it be that as I was about to place my bid, the link just go dead?!? And then the auction ended. As I clicked on the old page which still told me I had 10 seconds left, I was able to place a bid. On the auction that just ended 2 seconds ago. *sigh* I really wanted that particular style and color too!!! Super grouchy now...

Busy busy busy

Looks like life will be getting more exciting in the months ahead. The MEng project is starting and with it the ensueing conference calls with the sponsor, group meetings with the rest of the team, weekly meetings with the project advisor, read-up on the subject and all the little details like booking a room, filling reimbursement forms. Next semester I'm absolutely taking the minimum number of credits possible. And no more 8:40am to 4:30pm (with a 2hr lunch break) tortures hopefully. Today is one such day. And I still have a group meeting from 5pm to 6pm. *groan* At least my teammates this time are not utter morons. *dances in relief*

A Parent's Wedding

Read a piece about a girl who had to attend her cousin's wedding. The wedding was held at some archaic Chinese restaurant whose mouth yawns open daily to artificial rocks, probably waitresses in cheongsam and prides itself on its "traditional" fare of shark's fin and abalone. (Haha really traditional fare probably be fish! and meat! and lots of veggies! What luxuries they were then!)

Waitresses in cheongsam might look like this! 

The bride's mum trekked to Chinatown and got the young couple a tam tui (chamberpot or potty). The Chinese one looks sort of like a fat vase the size of your butt and comes with intricate designs like a cockerel or flowers or some scenic Chinese drawing. The last time I used that was when I was 5 when I was too short to let myself out of the bedroom in the middle of the night. Wonder how my parents can stand the smell of ammonia right in the room where they sleep. The last person I saw using one was my grandma. Hers was full of urine and phlegm. I stayed far, far away. My paternal grandma and our family didn't get along very well. To put it simply, we didn't like her and she didn't like us. Too bad our other not so responsible relatives thought the same. So my family and an aunt's had to take turns taking care of her.

To me, she was a representation of everything I hated about the old Chinese: sexism (she wanted to name my sister dai di which stands for "bring brother"), mindless traditions (if you're born in the year of the tiger, you can't attend the funeral or enter the bride's room), hierarchy (the oldest person in the household is practically king; mother-in-laws get to bully daughter-in-laws; my grandma seems to think this applies to her except she's so old she can't remember much so her advice were pretty much useless but she would insist on people following it). By association, the fragile tam tui became a container for all evils, a Pandora's box waiting for the unsuspecting victim of blind tradition.

Generally, I love tradition. They are beautiful things that have characterized my childhood. Folding red packets to decorate the house on Chinese New Year; staying up till midnight on chuxi (the night before Chinese New Year) to welcome the new year (see, chinese also have countdowns). Children staying up till midnight on chuxi is supposed to be a blessing bestowed upon their parents, wishing that they will live a long (and fulfilling) life; lighting candles and lanterns during Mid-autumn festival; eating ba zhang (Chinese dumplings (?)) during duan wu or Dragon Boat festival which commemorates Qu Yuen; dong zhi (winter solstice) when mum and I would make plates and plates of pink and white tang yuan ; I'd wake up at 7am for qing ming so I could go with my parents to pay respects and tidy up the graves of our ancestors; not forgetting the hungry ghost festival which is the only time I ever get snacks when I was young!

Those were some of the traditions I would love to preserve. Others like the silly chamberpot can pretty much suck my balls. But the entry really got me thinking about my own planned-to-be-nonexistent wedding. Yups, no wedding dinner, no wedding ceremony, maybe not even a white wedding gown.

I did find another dress I wouldn't mind wearing for my wedding though. 

I thought about the various day long affairs when my cousins got married and how very, extremely bored I was. Being a bored and tired bride isn't exactly my day of fun. Paying a bomb to be bored is pretty much asking me to jump off a building. Paying a bomb to be bored, make small talk with relatives I hardly care about AND feeding them shark's fins is pretty much like a "Kill me now" message. I can think of so many other ways to spend that money: renovating my house, having a lavish honeymoon, luxurious dinner for close family and friends, making a bigger downpayment on the house, buying myself pretty things that I can wear for more than one night... the list pretty much goes on and on and on.

Most women think of wedding as their one big day. In America, brides-to-be starve themselves silly to look good for that day. Planning a wedding is a 2-3 month affair and everything looks Hollywood wedding wannabe. I personally don't particularly care about being fawned over with the customary "You look pretty". Every bride is pretty as far as I'm concerned. Given my lack of interest in a lavish affair, some might wonder if I had gone through some trauma. After all, every little girl yearns for her own wedding. I guess I'm just not every other girl. Me and my sister had never played bride and groom when we were young. I didn't even really care to get married until I met darling. And as I said, weddings bore me. It's pretty much something I attend out of sheer need and petulantly think every other minute "Are we done yet?" I've yet to attend the wedding of a close friend so maybe those are better.

But while I plan my spartan ( and sacrilegious) wedding, I have to worry about my parents. For the Chinese, a wedding is pretty much not for the children but for the parents. Think of the newly-weds as the centerpiece, placed on some pedestal and displayed to relatives. The parents, want to proudly show relatives "Look at how well my child has married". Or they are expected to show it. If we didn't have a wedding, it might be construed that we married badly or in disgrace (like having a pre-marital fetus in tow). I don't know, I could go along with the whole ugga-wugga to make them happy; on the other hand, parents just want their child to be happy so perhaps I should do things my way? What do you guys think, would you want a traditional Chinese wedding or a walk down the aisle or both?

Pretty picture from a magazine

More on Friendly Shopping

(*Another long post alert* Haha sorry people, you'll need another cup of coffee today. Must be all the words held back during the week :))
In the last entry, I recounted the trauma in the dressing room when I was trying to make an exit, knowing that I wasn't going to buy the (beautiful) but exorbitant bra. The retail people in the US are extremely friendly or at least they make a good show of it. When I was back in Malaysia and Singapore, I complained about the low level of service there. Many sales people are unhelpful, sometimes rude and occasionally freaky.

They are, in no order of dispreference:
the "hogger"
Characterized by the constant hovering around a discount bin, folding every article of clothing as you look through them, making you feel guilty for giving them more work;

the snobs
They won't give you the time of their day unless you are dressed rich enough.

the young designer
Freshly out of art colleges, they are eager to display their wares to you their new potential customer. I'm sorry to say this but some of such men look kinda gay. Comfort is not the word that comes to mind when I see a guy dressed more feminine than me.

Then I realized that the "friendly" American style retail doesn't always please me either. When you enter a shop or a restaurant, a waitress or salesperson will come over and ask versions of "How are you doing today?". At the cash register, they would say the invariably "All set?". It's kinda like the "Wassup" that my American acquaintances throw at me. They make me feel at a loss for a reply. Firstly, I don't think they are really interested in your story of how you had a bad day and the gory details of how your boss/friend/whoever pissed you off. So if they really don't want to know, why do they bother asking? I've since found out the accepted answers which vary from "great", "not that great"or "not much". But it still sounds vaguely pointless. Now I can imagine the shock on the European faces when they heard/were asked "Jia ba beh?" (Have you eaten? in Hokkien) when they are in Singapore or "Apa khabar?" (What news? in Malay)in Malaysia.

Well, after you leave the dressing room, the question that assails you would be "How's everything?" I'm sure they are being helpful instead of trying to imposing some psychological pressure on me to buy the garments I just tried. I've heard dressing room assistants give people advice on a styles they think would look better. Afterall, some of them are veterans. Those in the lingerie department are rumored to be able to determine your size in a glance; In the cosmetics department an old-timer can tell instantly which shade of foundation goes best on you. Those are precious assets and skills to be sure since they ensure that a customer is satisfied with their buy.

I'm pretty skeptical about advice given by them because strangers, esp women, tend to lavish undeserved praises on you. They might have some ulterior motive of boosting their sales so they get the sales person of the month award. Or they might say nice things to you because well, it's a nice thing to say. They wouldn't tell you that your butt looks big or that the color just doesn't go. They can't tell you that an item is not value for money or that it doesn't go with anything in your wardrobe. I guess it never really hurts to get input or advice from other people especially when you are not very sure about what to get. So next time, when I try on an item and I don't want it, I should just be honest and tell them with a straight face that it's just not for me.

Something Stupid
In lieu of shopping, I read this from a Singaporean girl's blog and was pretty aghast. She had just spent $200 buying clothes online and some guy which I presume is her bf asked her "Aren't you already in debt from previous months unpaid credit card bills? Why are you still shopping?" Here's what she said:

"Naturally, I said, OK, you can pay for my stuff then. Because, really, I have this theory. Money is important to everybody (don't lie to yourself). Hard-earned and all. If a guy can bear to part with his money to spend it on me (and my frivolous stuff), then it proves he really loves me. Am I right? So now I'm giving him a chance to prove his love.

Also, I have this other theory about how shopping is crucial to a relationship. X-Boy thinks it's sex, but it's really shopping. You see:
1. If the girl is shopping, she's happy and won't nag at the guy. In fact, might even consent to sex willingly.
2. When she's shopping, the guy gets his free time (unless you get a needy chick who wants you around to accuse you of unsaid things when forced to give an opinion). He can go have his beer or ogle at other women. He's happy too.
3. When the girl looks good, she maintains the interest and desire the guy has toward her.
4. As above, when the guy pays for her shopping, it proves he loves her.
5. When the girl makes the effort to look pretty for the guy, it proves she loves him. (Actually, it doesn't, but nevermind.)
Therefore, everybody lives happily ever after."

Here is an example of a growing debt problem among the younger generation. I don't understand why people must spend above their means. If you can't afford it, don't buy it. Not only does she spend irresponsibly, she wants someone else to take responsibly for her spending? In the name of love? Please, don't cheapen yourself and whatever it is you call love. So love is only as deep as how much he is willing to spend on you? In her defence, she might have been half-joking and half-wistful thinking. But that idea is prevalent -- he didn't buy me a bouquet of overpriced roses for V-day *waaah* he doesn't love me; he bought me a moisannite (a man-made diamond lookalike) instead of a diamond ring worth 2 month's of his salary *waaaah* he doesn't love me (even though I can't tell the difference); he paid for this overpriced sweater/necklace/dress that I've always wanted, he must love me lots!!!; and also judging from other wistful sounding comments left by other girls for the said blog entry, I'd say the idea is generally met with approval.

Some part of me is probably biased because earlier, in the same entry, she said one of the thing I've heard in a while. Here's how it goes:

"...I have this theory. You know on auctions and flea markets, all the second-hand retail, you always see all the large sizes? That's because bigger sized people have a lot of clothes to sell which they bought on impulse thinking it'd one day fit them. But then it doesn't and it's unflattering on their current body. Skinny people don't have that problem because whatever impulse purchase will still look good on them anyway. That said, I still appreciate that I'm not a skinny person."

Now that I reread that, I can't quite tell which part of it I specifically dislike but it irks me to some degree.

The Thrill of Shopping
Johnny was wondering aloud the other day when he saw how happy I was with my new clothes and stuff, "What is it about girls and buying things? It's like they get a thrill just from buying things notwithstanding how much they actually like it" I guess he was referring to the hardcore shopaholic types who appear to get an orgasm from just the process of buying. I wouldn't say that that applies to most normal people but girls do get an inordinate amount of pleasure from buying things. I remember those younger weekends when I would walk the malls aimlessly. There's this sense of futility when I go home without something new in my hands, like I've just wasted my whole day (Sunk costs my dear. SUNK COSTS!!!) Luckily, the older me no longer feels that unreasonable urge but I remember that feeling vividly.

Somehow guys just don't feel the same kinda of joy when I lay my hands on something you really wanted or that giddy happiness that makes me giggle when I see the cute bag I bought a month ago. I can't really say if that's fortunate or unfortunate. Actually, I'd probably think that a guy who gets really happy buying a new shirt and giggles every time he sees the shirt is gay. No offense to gay people. I just don't think that's what straight guys to do. The same goes with dieting. The beauty of being a guy is being able to eat whatever you want and not caring. Being a little health conscious is okay, dieting is just roll-eyes ugh. Leave the feminine stuff to the women-folk please!

Last week

(*Long post alert* Get a nice mug of coffee and your most patient demeanor as you walk through my ramblings)

Sorry for the week long hiatus. It was my homework + prelim + random group meeting week. I have two classes which have problem sets due biweekly and they coincide on the same week so one week I'd be free (as a bird) and the next I'd be swamped. Let me try to recall what actually happened during the week:

Monday:
Walked to my 8:40 class and then back instead of getting a ride from darling. He was so sleepy I didn't have the heart to drag him out of his warm bed. Also got my MEng group assigned. The project will be about inventory management stuff. Meeting with group members on Wednesday.

Tuesday - Thursday:
The in between days that appear as a blur. Choked with random homework and classes.

Friday:
Arrrrgh, my beautiful red scarf is (mentally) scarred. It has been sitting next to darling's stinky socks the whole night. Some of the smell stuck too. *sniff* No more soft, warm scarf to wear to school. :(

At 4:10pm, dropped by at the library to return some books and grabbed even more magazines.

4:30pm, played basketball at North Campus. Well, darling was playing basketball with the guys (I guess this is equivalent to the boys night out?). I was shooting hoops which was kinda fun. I got 16 of 50 shots in, and later 12 out of 30 and subsequently 10 out of 20. At least I'm improving! *grinz*

Despite the popularity of basketball in Singapore/Malaysia and US, there are just very few women who play basketball. In Hwa Zhong hostel, we used to have basketball competitions but there were never enough teams to get a competition going. I was actually quite fortunate in JC where the girls in my class really enjoyed the game. So much so that we skipped PE (it was dumb ole great Singapore workout (GSW)) to play bball which resulted in us getting caught. Blearh. What's the whole point of the GSW anyway? Wasn't it to get people to be fitter? In that case, isn't playing a game of basketball much better? Or is it one of those get patriotic acts? Maybe if being patriotic means doing something stupid together. The PE teacher's attitudes are nothing to be proud of either, they might be "just doing their job" but their real job is to help students get into a healthy routine of exercising not just following orders.

Went to Victoria's Secrets to try on a bra. Apparently American sizes are a little different from the ones we have at home. Our cup A's are AA here. (haha like battery sizes. No triple A's though) and B's are American A's. Maybe it's another instance of size inflation. They had this beautiful sea blue bra in the Body line. It cost a freaking US$38. (= S$68 = RM144!!!)

Before I left the dressing room, I was trying to cook up some excuse to sneak away if the lady asks me the usual "How was it?". I don't think I can convincingly say that I didn't like it coz I do!!! I can't say it's the wrong size either coz she will then offer to bring me different ones or *gasp* measure me. Think! Think fast! Okay, I'll tell her I need a second opinion about the color and need to grab a friend. I opened the door, confidently armed with my excuse. Nobody was there. I was half relieved and almost disappointed that I didn't get to put on my best actress face. Mission accomplished! I'm now ready to order some (cheaper) bras off eBay where they sell overstocks. I'm such a cheapo :P

Today:
I woke up with physical evidence of a good work out the day before. My whole body is aching. This is the only type of ache that actually makes me happy. (Well, technically, if I'm so fit that I don't ache, that's even better)

Finally finally got my Def Leppard CD!!! It's been 12 days since I bought it on eBay. Yay, my CD collection is growing *beam* It was somewhat impulsive actually. I probably would be able to get it from a second-hand store in Singapore for less or something. How much do CDs usually cost anyway? I bought this one for US$7 (shipping included), is that a good or not so great deal? Oh well, too late!!! :) Wokies, gonna stop here. Have a good weekend everybody!

Interesting Handwriting Analysis

I'm not a big quiz person but this is quite cute. Analyze your handwriting here if you're bored :)

This is what I got. Sounds somewhat reasonable though I'd say the part about me being "stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories" is kinda... too mushy for me.

Yannie is selective when picking friends. She does not trust everyone. She has a select group of people that are truly close to her, usually two or three. She is careful when choosing her inner circle of friends.


Yannie is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.


Yannie is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Yannie basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.


In reference to Yannie's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Yannie slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Yannie can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.


Yannie is talkative. She enjoys talking and socializing. She may talk when there is absolutely nothing important to say. She enjoys speaking.


Yannie will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. Yannie believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.


Yannie is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes. Yannie will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Yannie an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Yannie is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Yannie is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.


People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Yannie doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others

Anti-social

One thing that couplehood has made me -- anti-social. Having the constant company of someone you enjoy essentially eliminates the need to socialize. It saves me from the need to force a fit into the excruciating pack mentality of the Singaporeans here. I have somebody to be anti-social with. Or you could say we socialize with each other. Having to wade through throngs of Singaporeans and making inane small talk is as appealing as eating a wash cloth. Sometimes, I do feel kinda awkward for being so... alone.

I start wondering about why I wasn't quite like that in JC or sec school. In a way, I was forced to interact with people but I wasn't really unhappy doing it either. It was a pretty fun period -- quite a few intense friendships that I somehow let go for the last few years, lots of silly things done -- every single thing was so dramatic. Isn't it funny that somehow all those people and events nudged me here and there until I'm who I am now? A lot of things appear so insignificant but really, a little act can affect someone else. Kinda like this person who held the door for me at the DBS bank at Coronation Plaza years ago. I don't remember the face or even gender but I always remember the smile he/she brought to my face.

On a side note, I'm suddenly reminded of my primary school classmates. We used to meet up about once a year. These gatherings were usually organized by Chuan Yinn or Jack's mum. Even though I always feel slightly alienated during the gathering itself when they start talking about school (most of them are in a common sec school) and from the subtle cultural differences, I wonder how they are faring.

A couple of them went to an Australian uni so by now they should have graduated. Chuan Yinn went to UK to read medicine. Last I heard, Wai Yan went to a private college (can't remember the name) to read law(?). So what happened to the rest? Like See May the canteen uncle's daughter, or WaiLin (her primary school best friend), or Kok Hou the cheeky monkey. Then again, I don't even know what happened to the few who went to Singapore like Cheng Hou who I know went to NUS but not sure what happened after, Jun Ghee who was my primary school best friend, SyLing I think went to Australia? Not very sure. Incidentally my dad and his dad work in the same company which is how I knew. And how about Jing Biao the king of rope skipping (and chicken wings), Ke Wei and Ai Lian who were inseparable... By now, I've become practically strangers to them -- we could walk past each other in a mall and not know each other. Yet we are linked by this distant but memorable past.

My Little Guzzlers

Baby car almost ran out of fuel today. After the New York trip, we haven't bothered stopping at a pump. By the time we got to the Tops petrol station, the "Warning, I have no fuel" light was actually on. We were behind this horrible queues of cars and the guy at the front of our line was taking forever. Maybe his truck came with a growling belly like ours. I almost thought we would run out of fuel from just idling. I guess this is when I'm really glad we got a fuel efficient Toyota instead of a guzzler.

Petrol was a horrible $2.089 per gallon. Not too long ago, people (me included) were marveling at the record breaking $50 per barrel oil prices. As of this Monday, crude oil was at $55 per barrel. I wonder if utilities have been affected by these prices. Well, I'm glad I don't have to worry about utilities in general.

Recently, I've been spending quite a lot. Not to the extent that I have to live off instant curry and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I'm actually more worried about myself turning into one of those extravagant young executives (yes, the ones I usually scoff at) who spend beyond their means. I'm starting to see why there is the term retail therapy.

Once again, I'm probably just exaggerating my case here. A closer look at our expenses for the month shows that $1,500 of that are fix costs like my evil $1,180 rent, cable bills, parking fee, car insurance, textbooks etc. Hmm wait...Goodness!!! Food costs a whopping $700?!? How did we consumer $700 dollars worth of food in a month? Well... *sheepish smile* I guess our tummies are not unlike those SUV guzzlers. I guess I can indulge in some retail hedonism after all. *grinz*

Some of the stuff I bought recently:
a) 2 CDs (by Def Leppard and BT)
I justified this by the fact that I've never actually bought a single CD in my life. Yes, you heard me right. Not a one. The only CDs I own are the Savage Garden cds that Eilene gave me as a b'day present and some rap cd I got from prom night in Nanyang.

b) Boar bristle brush
I need a brush. Simple as that.

c) A coat and skirt combi
Errr.... I bought this mainly because I was looking out for something to buy. Since I couldn't find a satisfying bra, got this instead. *guilt trip*

Hrrrm doesn't sound so bad after I list them after all. Cheers, mate!

Books

Books I'd like to read by end of the year: 10
Books read so far (since term started): 1
Magazines read so far: 10++

The days of 40 books a year seem so far away. I'm an officially retired bookworm. I guess I should now be labelled magazine worm. Still can't believe subscriptions to Female or Her World in Singapore doesn't actually give you any discounts from buying from the newsstand. Guess I'll be one of those browsers at Borders, Orchard next time. Haha still remember me and Eilene sat, cross legged, at the children's section of Borders after A's and finished reading the fourth book of Harry Potter. That took like half a day.

3 1/2 Inch Killers

They are black, sleek, above average height for their type. They also killed my feet today. Walking up slopes and 3 1/2 inch heels do not mix. At all. Neither does walking to school for 15 minutes and standing around for 1/2 hour. Beauty (or vanity) comes at a steep price. Somehow heels are just so damn sexy esp to men. Nothing quite beats the allure of swaying hips. Well, I'll be leaving sexy for those more sedentary days. For now, sneakers will have to do.



The heel 

Last year's Slope day

Pics of some funnily dressed people I took from Slope day last year. Haha, I had no guts to take it from the front. So they are all backside shots. :P



Jappy wannabes 


Sorority Girls 

Tired

Stupidly tired, stupidly because it's not due to work but because I was too busy playing Warlords Battlecry :( I'm actually more tired than my busiest week so far. Once again, I fell asleep during class. It's kinda bad when the class has only 20 people. At least I showed up. My 8:40 class has dwindled to 1/4 the usual attendence.

Presentation later tonight about RFID technology. Singaporeans are such horrible entrepreneurs. We had a great idea but whenever we reach some obstacle, they'd start saying "how? how?" instead of coming up with a way to improve and distinguish our product. I wish they'd do their homework and actually read about the technology instead of coming to a group meeting clueless and asking silly questions. Progress is so slow when the people you're talking to just don't get it. For once, I feel like I'm actually pretty special. I appear to have the ability to grasp concepts quickly and put them into prespective. I've always thought it is a ubiquitous skill. Either I'm wrong, or I have the luck of the devil to land myself with people who don't have them. That and my uncommonly seen common sense might just make me a winner!!! Riiiiiiight.....

Oh man, I'm so looking forward to my 1/3 pound bacon cheeseburger with cheese fries... tummy's growling but darling still has 25 minutes more of office hours to go. Maybe I'll distract myself by reading Kafka's The Trial. Haha if any freshies see me reading it, they'd probably think I'm crazy. It was supposed to be their reading for summer (much like my "Guns, Germs and Steel") and as with any reading forced upon anyone, most people hated it. Or maybe I'll go reply my emails... they've been rather neglected of late.

Thus, a new craving is born.

The garlic with red wine pate Wegmans mind-controlled me to purchase was really yummy. The first time I heard of pate, it was in a RJ play (was it Hedda Gabler?) where the English characters were talking about port and pate. Then Eilene started looking at the canned pates at Cold Storage at Queensway Shopping Center. At that time, I grimaced at the thought of eating ground up pig liver.

Years later, this very summer, I went to a German restaurant, Paulaner Brauhaus, mentioned in this post. They served some lovely creamy pate which I thought tasted like glorified luncheon meat. So this time, when we were at La Petite Auberge in NY, I had to get pate as appetizer as well. This one was chunky with bits of roasted pork bits and some herbs. It was good too. The store bought Wegman's pate was of the creamy variety. There was something familar about it though I can't say what. But I can foresee that a love affair with pate has started. Minced chicken liver, pork and pork fats anyone?

Wegman's trip gone wild (laced with gripe about Cosmo)

It's official. The Wegman's store douses people with shopaholic powder. We went out with the intention of buying some spaghetti, milk and the yummy Ithaca Soda co ginger beer. We first tried it at Collegetown Bagel's. It's refreshingly unsweet, laced with ginger and has a nice kick to it. But it costs a freaking $1.70.

Going on a total tangent here but according to Cosmo, American guys will freak out if you have bulk groceries in your fridge. This 34 year old guy was quoted as saying " I was really digging Amy until I opened her freezer and found an enormous tub of cookies and cream ice cream. Either she's secretly harboring a family of five or stocking up for the next great depression." In the same article, another guy said that he met this girl he really liked that is "until I ... inspected her CD tower. It was like a sound track to my own personal hell -- Celine Dion, Whitney Houstan and ... Les Miserables...I thought, This is a girl who likes to cry herself to sleep" What what what? Listening to Celine Dion and Les Miserable equates to crying myself to sleep? Either Cosmo is great at finding guys with really stupid pet peeves or Americans are just plain weird.

I'm more inclined to think the former. Especially when they told me in the next few pages that body language that signals he loves me are as follows: tilted head, extended palm, lifted eyebrow and raised shoulder ("Shoulders are expressive because the trapezius, the hump of muscle between your neck and shoulders, is linked to emotional centers in the brain through special nerves. Riiiiiight. Special nerves) Cosmo seriously need to brush up their content and stop giving me this crappy page fillers.

Anyway, onward with the bewitching Wegmans. I came out with $52 of groceries. Somehow a simple trip to pick up three items (I even know which aisles they are on), became a full blown grocery shopping and it sure looks like I'm stocking up for winter. Stuff I came out with: smoked ham, mallow twirls (think chocolate covered marshmallows), Oreos, Chicken in a biscuit, potato skins, kit kat, cheetos, angel hair spaghetti, 2 gallons of milk, 2 cans of chunky soup (pot roast and beef and mushroom), 8 bottles of ginger beer @ 1 dollar a piece, red wine pate, grapes, peaches, tomatoes, quiche Lorraine and pistachios. Pretty much all of it is junk food. Hrrrrm.... I need to put Wegmans on my boycott list before I go broke from grocery shopping of all things.

Private Moments

I'm essentially still a very private person. There are lots of things between me and my darling that I did not tell anyone about. Esp the not so good days. Partly, I feel that it's not fair for him since this would be a one-sided account. On the other hand, I realize that the image I'm projecting of us is one of almost unreasonable bliss.

In actuality, we do disagree on many things. At the beginning when the relationship was still fresh, I cried buckets almost every day over some thing or another. He refused to believe when I told him that for the past years I've rarely cried *grump* Even then, we've never argued. (By argue, I mean raised voices, heated words etc) We are both somewhat good natured and I'm usually more upset than angry.

Over time, the tear ducts have dried up some. Our main disagreements usually occur over dinner when we talk about random stuff. One time it was about fat people, another time about translators for manga. Usually I get miffed at him for all of 5 minutes, mainly because I can't get him to think my way. I've learnt not to take those little arguments too seriously. Girls tend to view conflict as strictly negative but for guys, it's okay to argue over an issue and not resolve it. So as long as it's not personal, I've learnt to let it go.

Yesterday was slightly different though. That was the one time I've actually thought: We might just break up over this. The whole thing was pretty much a misunderstanding, but it left me hurt. For once, darling was angry. But in the end, everything is fine, we're closer than ever, some things were settled (like how he should give me a chance to explain before getting angry and not to do things that are deliberately hurtful) and I know with all my heart and soul that he is someone I want to grow old with.